dehydrated

so lost inside blue eyes

The him who's bodies being taken away from me on a stretcher, I watch as they lift him up into the ambulance. I can not bare to watch anymore, my arms shake heavily, heavier then my whole body weight.

All I want to do in this moment is look into his eyes, I get so lost inside blue eyes, especially your beautiful blue eyes. I think back to the first time I looked into them, I think back to holding his hand as the coldness took over no more blood being able to warm him up as it circulates.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, the first bit of human interaction I've felt since you've left me. I turn around, looking down to face a girl. I don't care for her looks, I never have.

"Hey mate, I've lost friends in the past too. Do you want anything? Water? A blanket? Tea? Or a hug? A friendly face?" To be honest, no I don't, I don't want anything that this girl can offer me, not a single thing.

"Maybe some coffee, if you have any." A paramedic, with a heart? Never thought I would see this. The ones I've met really do not care over anything, they've seen that many dead bodies. It hits me that Louis is just another one of those bodies, in two days, they'll have forgotten about him. Forgotten his existence as a whole.

"Of course, follow me," I shake in my cold, wet clothes. I should have saved him, I must start going to the gym more. Stop eating and drinking as much. He wanted me to stop drinking, did I listen? No. Now look where he is. In a body bag.

She wraps a warm arm over my body, I bet she feels so stupid, trying to reach my height. She walks me over to a station they set up, why did they even set this up. It's not a crime scene or anything, he fucking drowned to death, no one murdered him. Well, I did. I sure didn't save him.

"You did so well, what's your name mate?" She says, switching the kettle on. She strolls over to me, placing a blanket over my shoulders.

"Styles." I say, looking at my hands, drenched in dried dirt, I try to scrape it off.

"So what happened?" She says, her back facing me as she pours.

I don't want to even think about it.

~~

The car drive back from the cabin is an excruciatingly long one, Niall driving, Zayn couldn't manage or bring himself to get behind the wheel. Anything that reminds him of Louis makes him burst out crying, he held us up for at least 20 minutes.

My emotion at this point is mostly anger. I haven't cried since last night, since before I spoke to that paramedic. Once she was done questioning me she asked for my number, I blanked her before going to the bathroom. I spent my night in there, trying to calm myself down not knowing what to actually do with myself now.

I'm happy I didn't properly unpack, I wouldn't have been able to spend more than two minutes in that room, it smells like him. His natural scent. His pillow, hairs cover the bed sheet, makes me want to throw up.

I sit where he once laid his head, "Pull over." I say to Niall, I feel my stomach start to travel into my throat. Niall quickly pulls the car over to the side of the road, I push the door open falling to the pavement and releasing what I knew was gonna come up some time or other.

My insides lay on the pavement, all the remains of last night. My last meal with him. My last beer with him. On the side walk, in chunks. Luckily, no houses are infront of us, being on an abandoned road an' all.

"Styles, mate." Niall rolls his window down calling our for me, my ears ring deafening me for what seems like hours. I blank out, my head spins as I go blind for a whole minute.

My balance shitty, making me unable to stand up, paired with my legs being buckled.

As I snap out of this weird state, I feel my body shaking, someone shaking me. My eyes wet, I wipe the tears with the sleeve of my jacket, "Sorry Niall-"

I start to say, turning to look at him shaking me, but am greeted with a different face?

"Hey mate, are you okay? This isn't normal behaviour?" A person wearing a bright yellow hivis jacket, a police officer.

"Sorry, officer we will be on our way-" I start to say, but he cuts me of.

"Are you on any drugs?" He says in a calm tone, I look around behind him, for Niall and Zayn, they're no where to be seen.

"No officer." I say back, with as most respect I can muster.

"Well we will need to do a drug test, when we get back to the station."

"I'm sorry officer- what's happening?" Confused I look around further.

"You where basically passed out, vomiting the side of the road, one of the men where crying and you're driver friend looks stoned out of his mind, staring into what seems like the abyss," He takes a breath, "There's no other reason other than you're all addicts."

Oh.

"I have an explanation for everything officer." I say back, standing up.

"I'd love to here it."

"My boyfriend actually passed away last night, and-"

"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss." he interrupts, I nodd.

"So we where actually just trying to get home as soon as possible so we can inform family in person. We're only 16 and 17. Please give us a break, I was throwing up due to the thought of him and his dead body, Zayn was crying because- well because of grief, and Niall doesn't have a better way of coping. He doesn't really cry."

I try not to punch the daylights of this officer, getting on my nerves by just breathing.

"Well you boys are in no shape to be on the roads today," He says, sighing.

"I just wanted to tell his sisters and my mum in person, officer. As soon as possible."

"Well you three will have to go back to the station, but that's only due to you being in no fit state to drive, we'll need to still do a back ground and drugs test but nothing further if you are telling the truth. We'll get your car dropped off at the station, when you're in a fit state too pick it up, you can." He says to me, walking me over to the cop car.

Niall and Zayn both sit in the back, "Styles mate- are you alright? I can't be arrested I'm to young." Niall pleads to me as I get into the back with them, shutting the door.

"Mate, we'll be fine. I sorted it out, now shut the fuck up I'm not in the mood." I say, just as the officers get into the car.

For fucks sake.

I really needed this today.

~~