dehydrated

new beginning

I push the bowl away, half of the chicken soup stays cold in the bottom. I shake my head before looking up at Lottie, food just doesn't taste the same after what happened. It makes me wanna throw up, I fiddle with the necklace that hangs loose around my neck. Rolling around the cross on the silver chain.

"Harry just a little-"

"I can't Lottie, please I think I'm gonna throw up." The boots on my feet hit the ground softly as I tap my foot up and down.

"Ugh okay, but as soon as you get home I'm making you the best tea of your life." I remember back to all the times you have cooked extravagant meals, of chicken and ham with mozzarella. Tastes like heaven, but nothing compared to you. Your mouth.

"Looking forward to it Lot, also I think I'm gonna visit mum tonight." I grab my bag from the back of the chair, looking at the new text that popped into my notifications.

-You still coming in today?-

It's from Niall, he's been so amazing. Always, so amazing.

"Oh god Harry that's amazing!" I hear Lottie say as I type my response.

-Yes, are you still okay to pick me up?-

"Yeah I really need to at least start to get my life back together."

On this misty Thursday afternoon, the clock strikes one, it's been about two weeks and a half. I haven't spoken or seen Zayn since the night and all together have eaten two bowls of soup. My stomach stays empty, its comforting in a disgusting way. I've only spoken to Niall over the phone and have been putting of school all week. But I'm finally ready, now. Half way through the school day.

"I'm so proud of you, Harry."

"You're just amazing Lottie," I pull her into another hug, she's really matured from the first time we met. On the doorstep, my first time seeing the house, I was very fond. Still am.

The hug is broken by the sound of a horn coming from outside, I look down at my outfit. The sudden thought of my hair fills my head.

Fuck.

I haven't told a soul of my drastic change and my clothes aren't made for my new cut. I look so odd.

"Harry you look fine- now go!" She turns around pushing me out the door, practically.

I pinch the skin on the back of my hand as I watch Lottie shut the door on my face.

A weird anxiety floods me, a feeling that I'm not sure I'm used to.

I see Niall through the window of the car, he doesn't look my way as I make my way towards it. I pull the door open, he turns his head to look at me. A shake in my leg reads nervous.

"Woah- Styles," After being called Harry by Lottie, I forgot that I had shared my name, "You look fucking badass. Hot, as well, the short hair suits you." He compliments, I shake my head.

"Please- I actually hate it." I notice him hurrying to start the car up.

"Sorry for the rush mate, we need to get back to school and quick, we only have half an hour for lunch break. You'll get locked out if not back by half past, and you'll want time to see the guys, right?" Niall says, if I didn't know I wouldn't have thought that one of his best mates died a few weeks ago.

Unlike me, my bones sticking out of every point along with the bags under my eyes, you can just tell somethings off.

"Right. How is everyone, I heard some stuff from Lottie but you live with Zayn so-"

"No, yeah well, I'm alright. Some days are harder than others, but most days are good days," He takes a breath, clearly not haven thought about it much, pushing it down to the pit of his stomach, "Zayn's definitely taken it harder than anyone, sleeping and smoking more, eating less," His breath starts to heaven

"But how are you?"

Where do I even start?

~~

Looking around all I spot is lonely, wandering eyes. All curious on what happened, all properly have rumours in their mind over the forest.

Then I spot a pair of eyes that I recognise, a pair that have been there for me for months and a pair that I used to find jealous.

Zayn.

He looks just as bad as me, when I saw Niall and how put together he is, smiling over girls on his phone, making snarky funny comments. Made me feel like shit, he's doing so well.

But Zayn, he gets the feeling, he understands what's going on in my brain.

His eyes look dead as they follow us as we walk towards him, and the small group of people around him.

"By the way-" Niall starts, just before we enter ear shot, "I was really wondering about the whole name situation, firstly do you prefer Styles or Harry?"

Truthfully, neither I wish I didn't have to speak to anyone, they didn't have to address me with any name. I've never really identified with any name that my mum has given me, just never really felt like me.

"Harry."

New beginning, I guess?

"You do look like a Harry, you know and I was always confused on why you have such a weird name and also why you didn't have a surname? I had so many questions but it does make sense now,"

As much as I agree and want to answer these difficult questions it makes me uncomfortable at first, being called by my name by anyone but you and my mum.

"Oh god-" Zayn immediately hugs me from the front as we reach the table, he's fucking struggling right now.

"Hey mate, it's okay," I barely breath as I hear the whimper in voice.

"You're hair?!?" His voice shocked as he wraps his hand around my head.

"Yes. It's gone for good."

"I love it, Styles." A little bit of excitement in his voice now, I realise how much you meant to Zayn, and I (of course) remind him of you. I bet we even smell the fucking same.

"How are you, Zayn?" I ask, sitting down at one of the chairs, for once everyone minding there own business.

"Things are tough to say the least, but I'm powering through it." He buries his head in his hands while speaking.

"Have you been eating enough?" I ask, looking down at his wrists.

"Definitely." He pulls his jacket sleeve over his wrists after realising my pathetic stares.

"Hmm, sure." I say looking up at him, through my eyelashes.

"How are you holding up?" He pulls a water bottle out of his backpack, turning the lid open.

"Well, I guess." Bullshit, I don't sleep at night, eat solid foods because they don't go down my throat properly. I pick, pick, pick my skin. Cry, cry, cry all the fucking time. But I can't tell just anyone what I'm going through I don't want or like therapy so I can't 'read out' that's just utter bullshit.

"Hmm, sure."

"Lies are okay sometimes, you should understand out of all people."

I feel a tap on my shoulder. I quickly turn around.

"Styles? Styles! Where have you been, we've all missed you."

The smile that plasters the face on this disgusting creature makes me sick.

Fuck you.