dehydrated

stone cold ash

"You sure you don't want one?" I hold my hand out, a marshmellow sits on the end of a long, thin stick. Zayn shakes his head, rubbing his tired eyes, struggling to keep them awake.

"You guys should just go too sleep," I smile at Niall and Zayn, poitning between them.

The night sky darkens behind them as they struggle too get up. I sway back and forth, humming the song that repeats over and over in my head, "Do you need help?" Harry calls out from next too me, Zayn and Niall both shake their heads in unison, slowly making there way to the patio.

"Night lads," I rotate the stick slowly over the fire, it burns a golden yellow when they shut the door behind them.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asks, looking at the marshmallow I look at.

"I don't really know, I just think it's so beautiful." I cough out, my cigarette in my other hand.

I slowly reduced the amount of smoke ever since me and Harry had that conversation months ago. It was the little things that made it harder for us to stop fully drinking and smoking, like having a beer with your dinner. Or having a cigarette after a tough day. We've tried to drink and smoke less. Are we doing that? Not really. But it's the thought that counts.

"There's one thing that I think is beautiful," He smiles, placing a hand on my thigh and stroking it, "Those cigarettes, pass one here?" He extends a arm over my body, trying to reach but failing.

I sigh, grabbing out of the pack next too me and handing him the smoke and the lighter. I lean back, just far enough too stay on the log without falling back. I chug the last of my beer, the cold liquid hits the back of my throat, I swollow it thoroughly, making me gag from finshing it all.

"Calm down, there's no rush Mr speed." Harry laughs from next too me as I stand up, looking at the lake from where I'm standing. The trees stand behind the lake, it looks so clean and appealing from here.

"I think I'm gonna go for a swim, or a float cause I just can't swim-"

"What?-"He chokes quickly on his cigarette, laughing at my remark.

"I was never really taught so what do you expect-" I pull my shirt off my back, throwing it too the grass beneath my cold feet.

He smiles, looking down at my torso, as I cover it with my arms. I look up at his face, it looks symmetrical pulled back in his beautiful man bun, I am a fan of it.

"Alright, I'll go get some cider and I'll hop in with you." He smirks, turning to face the patio and kitchen, "I'll be back," He quickly adds before walking towards it.

I face the lake completely, the light from the moon reflects in the lakes face, leaving the sight of a beautiful canyon moon. I slowly step towards one of my greatest fears, water. Never learning how too swim has always caused me great discomfort around bodies of water. I push myself towards it, suddenly so close too it.

I step my foot into the mud, it sinks in, the feeling of wanting too go in deeper fills my veins as I step in further and further until it hits my waist line. The freezing cold hits my bare chest and my body shivers at the sensation, feels ambivalent.

I push myself further although I know I shouldn't I feel like squish of my toes on the muddy floor, until I don't.

My head stays above the water as my feet stay below, just above the ground, my tiptoes just about feel the slush, my head just about bops above the shore

I try too breath through my mouth but struggle as the water slightly slips in, as I wrestle myself too keep my head up, I stumble backwards, accidentally falling further into the lake.

As the body of water around me pulls me down and out further I try too pull myself out but is swept into the tide. I fumble into the centre, the deepest part of the ravine, I now stand there.

"Harry!" I call out, my full head bops under the water, my hair soaks itself as I try and try too win against this tide. This roaring water pulling itself over me like a blanket.

"Harry!"

"Harry."

I feel an invisible tug at my ankle, pulling me too the bottom off the lake, the strong tide water fills my nostrils and floods into my lunges, gasping for air I try too push myself up but I feel my head hit the soft mudden floor, what I see is darkness, black. I watch my breathing bubbles float up and pop at the surface above me.

It feels like I drown for hours on end, I struggle for years not knowing whether I will make it our alive or not, my breathing speeds up. My anxiety at an all time high.

I try too call his name a final time, but my mouth charges with water like soldiers attending too battle. My brain powers down as my breath slows, suddenly, I have no breath at all. No thoughts at all.

My body doesn't feel as if it's sinking anymore, it feels at peace in the darkness, I don't think of anyone or anything.

I feel bliss in this place that has no name, no one else, not stuck with my eternal thoughts or stuck in the clouds with 'good' people.

Maybe eternal happiness does exist.

Maybe I would be happy with him with me.

You will be, Always in my heart, Harry Styles.

Even if that heart's stone cold ash.

For now, he's living, I'm not. And I don't want him too miss me.

I want him too continue living.

Without me.

~~