dehydrated

boys don't cry

The cold tiles on my cheek wake me up, a pool of either tears or drool left on the floor lays infront of me. I use my shirt too wipe it up.

I watch the rain battle each other as it falls down the window sill heavily, it never seems too stop raining this time off year. America must be great, November hits then suddenly, snow. Couldn't relate in wet Doncaster.

My neck and back ache from how I spent last night, curled in a small ball on the floor, crying myself too sleep.

My dream, hazy, must've forgotten it already. I try too pick myself up but whole body disagrees.

Getting too my feet, I limp too the sink. Regret runs through my veins of falling asleep in here.

The walls by the bath, mouldy and deteriorating slowly with time and the steam of the shower not helping. This room, the only in the house too not be as pleasing too the eye. Anne must not have the time or energy too look after this as well as the rest.

Towels hang from the railing, poorly drilled too the wall. The toilet seat crooked too the right, shut and silent. The bathtub attached too the wall next too it, with a shower head looking down upon it. The sink infront of me turns on with a twist of the knob, cold water falls out.

I lean down and splash my puffy face, in attempt too clean it. Using the towel next too me, I shiver as cold air from the open window flies inside.

I feel the house shake as the wind pushes against the brick building, built many years ago.

I was right when I first saw the house, Harry and Anne did re-model it, they worked on it for months before they moved in. Anne had told me in one of our many chats.

Over the past two months we've gotten close, she has spent most of her life wanting too be a mother and she has tried too raise Harry with everything she has. She's a great mum and really cares about him, very disappointed in herself that nowadays, Haz has too look after her.

I always try too tell her stories bout him, made up or not, she beliefs them. Most of the time she forgets them anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

I try too stretch my back out without pulling it even more, it hurts too move but I breath in before walking towards the door.

This mess with Harry ain't gonna sort out itself.

I untwist the lock, grabbing the handle, too pull it.

But suddenly, it flies open.

I look down too what could have caused this.

I'm greeted with Harry lying half in the bathroom, half in the hallway. His hair forms a mane around his head, boy is he a heavy sleeper.

He looks so comfortable in this state, so innocent and cuddly.

I bend my stiff legs and pop a squat next too him, then falling onto my ass.

I look over his asleep body and he looks more at peace than I noticed from further away. I lightly nudge his side, hitting a hard rib on his right side.

One arm placed over his stomach, the other stays by his side, I nudge him harder.

"Harry?" I try too tap his shoulder, can this lad not wake up or something.

He groans up at me, without opening his eyes.

"Fucking get up lad before I go back in that bathroom." I tap his shoulder harder, as he rubs the sleep from his eyes.

"Louis?" He looks up at me, I smile down at him.

Almost immediately he sits up, looking into my eyes, I scoff at the stupid look on his face.

"Jesus I'm so sorry about yesterday." He covers his face with his hand, his voice riddled with shakes and cracks.

"I am too- my back feels like shit. I'm sorry for my neck aswell." I try to lend him an encouraging smile but he continues too cover his face.

"I know your feel guilty but- I forgive you Haz. Mistakes happen and I don't think that you should blame this on yourself. It's my fault I'm so sensitive. I wish I wasn't aswell." I stroke his back as he slightly cries into his hand.

The last thing I want is for him too feel guilty, it's my fault, not his. He didn't do anything too me. It's just my dumb past and my dumb insecurities. I understand his emotions, being that embarrassed and annoyed at yourself that all you can do is cry, quietly.

"No, stop it." He drags his hand from his face, placing it onto my thigh, "Stop with that shit talk, don't you dare Louis." His voice stern and comanding.

"What? I'm only telling the-"

"Shut the fuck up." What. "They're your feelings, you can't control them. I know you forgive me, but I still feel shitty. What I did was ignore your request for me too stop, I'm in the wrong. You should never have too apologise for how you feel."

He strokes my leg, I hold onto his hand with both of mine.

When I was growing up, I didn't have time too feel. I didn't have a choice too feel bad for myself, my dad taught me that if I were too cry or show emotion that was wrong.

Now I realise that my dad was too fucking insecure about his masculinity that he didn't know how too express his emotions so he shouted. He took it out on his only son, because if he did it too the girls, people would care. Luckily for him, boys are supposed too be shouted at, boys are supposed too me manly, because they are men.

Boys don't cry.

I used too feel that, because I cry now, I'm not a boy, but Harry has taught me that you can feel emotions. That's a way of being a human is experiencing emotions. You need too feel too be alive, whether that's good or bad, you need too feel, too live. Without that, are you really living at all?

"Thank you Harry." I stroke his palm as it gropes onto mine. No tears left too cry I suffer in silence in my mind.

"Don't thank me. Thank yourself for being you, Lou."

We sit in silence, which seems too be louder than everything at this time.

Neither of us try too speak, we except the silence between us.

"Louis?" A shout comes from the staircase, we both turn our heads towards it.

"Is that your mum?" I whisper too him, he nodds, "Yes?" I shout back.

"Your sweet sisters are here, dear." I knew they would come, just not the day after I gave the fucking address.

"Oh shit-"

"No, Louis. It's a good thing your family are here. I get too fully meet them this time." He helps me get too my feet, my back a little better than before but still not normal.

I smile too him, before wrapping my arms around his waist. He draws me into his warm chest, hugging each other softly, never better.

"Let's go see the devils then." I grab his hand before leading him down the stairs, Anne still smiling happily at the bottom.

~~