Elliot

Ten

I'm not ready to go to school. I don't think I'm ready to do anything. I just feel tired. Very, very tired. So, I'm here on my bed, snuggling on my pillow, wrapped with a blanket. I think I look like a burrito or a sushi.

A dumb burrito or a dumb sushi. Whatever goes.

Mindy's voicemail played through my mind in a loop. The words came to my mind, planted itself and grew its own roots for me not to forget that it existed. Oh hell, I love my goddamn mind right now.

The bed is cozy and I'm not ready to leave this comfy mattress. I could be here forever. I think I will be here forever. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Just me on the bed with my comfy pillows around me. I feel like I'm in heaven. Is this how heaven feels like? Soft and comfy?

Or the clouds. Is this how it feels like laying down on the clouds? Oh, look, my head's in the clouds. Hah, nice.

Head in the clouds. What the fuck does that even mean?

You know I always wonder what it's like being in clouds. How does it feel like walking in there? I bet it's really comfy. More comfy than my bed, I guess.

Then there was a knock on my door.

"I'm not hungry, Dad!" I shouted, my voice was muffled because my face was buried in the pillow. He knocked on my door and had asked me about eating five times already and I'm tired of hearing it.

"I assume you could use some company." It wasn't dad. It was my sister. I didn't answer because I didn't want to.

"If I do, I'd let you in!" I shouted.

She knocked again.

"Go away!" I shouted once again, but then I heard the door swing open. I immediately turned my attention to the opened door and saw Clara with a plate and a glass of water in her hands.

"Don't you know privacy, dumbass?" I buried my face in the pillow again. "I said I don't want to eat."

"You said you just didn't want company."

"I'm nov hugry." I think I barely formed out a word.

"Elliot, for God's sake, stop eating your pillow and eat this instead. I can't understand what you're saying."

I lifted my head from the pillow. "I said I'm not hungry."

"But, you need to eat."

I lost the argument. I let her place the food on the side of my bed, and I buried my face again on my soft pillow. "If you keep mourning like that, nothing's going to happen to you." she spoke.

I lifted my head again. "I'm not mourning, idiot. No one died."

"Your heart, maybe?"

I shot her a glare. She returned it with a teasing snicker. The food that she brought was pasta. It's actually very intimidating just by looking at it. But it looks good. "You cooked that?" I asked her, my eyes locked on the food.

She glanced at the food and nodded, "I had a little help from Dad."

My answer was a nod. I sat up from laying down and took the fork that was sitting beside the plate, "Bon appétit." I whispered to myself.

"Doesn't that mean 'enjoy your meal'?"

"Yeah. I'm talking to myself."

I can see her shaking her head. I took a bite from the pasta and ate continuously in silence.

"So how's—" she spoke but I cut her off immediately.

"Can we not talk about it? I don't want to hear some love advice from you right now." I said. Clara said okay and she was silent the whole time. She didn't mention anything about what happened and I appreciate her for that.

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it at all. I just want to forget everything that happened. I want to pretend that the voicemail never existed, that I didn't call Mindy that night, that I hadn't had my heart broken.

What I want right now is, maybe,  just to get this whole thing over with.

All my sister did was just sit on my bed with me in silence while I ate the pasta that she brought. It was a totally awkward situation because I never really liked silence. Though company is what I didn't know I needed. The food was actually amazing. Splendid, in a fancy way. After I ate, I settled the fork down and drank the glass of water.

None of us dared to speak a word. My mind is actually spinning right now. Confused about what's going to happen now. No matter how hard I try, I can't help but think of what Mindy said yesterday.

I just don't think it would work for us anymore. I think it never did.

It never worked out? Our relationship never worked out? So, all of it was a joke then. I was right and I was a fool all along. None of it mattered, none of it was real. All of it was just a fucking joke.

But, it felt real to me. And I think now it makes sense why her parents don't interact with me the same way my dad interacts with her. O think they never liked me.

I think they were against the relationship. I don't have a solid proof but that's what I can think of now. After what she said, that's all that I could think of. That's why she wasn't bothered as much as me when she told me that she'll be flying to another country to continue school there.

Because she never cared about our relationship.

But why? Why did they never liked me? What did I do? Is it because I smoke? Is it because I can't keep grades my grades high like hers? Is it because I'm a screw up? What exactly is the reason?

What am I to her then? Just a display? A thing that she could go around with, say that she's proud of it, but it's completely the opposite?

It just sucks. It fucking sucks that I believed on her. I believed in us. I believed in the possibility of us. I believed that for the first time in my whole life, I'm gonna get the love that I was longing to have. I believed that the dreams we made would come true, yet she never did.

She never believed any of it.

It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.