Elliot

One

On your first death-anniversary, I refused to go to your grave. I didn't want to believe that you were lying under the surface of the earth. That you belonged into somewhere now. Part of me denied everything that happened.

What was the five stages of grief?

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

I didn't know what was the meaning of those words before. Was it really painful to experience grief? Was it the worst thing in life? I didn't know. But when you've gone, I thought that, maybe, it was the worst thing in life.

Death. I never feared death. I've always thought about death, but never feared it. Until it came. Not to me, but to you.

The thought of losing someone because of it was the scariest thing in the world. I've quite believed that death was always with us. It never went away. It's always there, patiently waiting for the right time, the right place.

When I lost you, I learned that grief wasn't the worst thing in the world. When I lost you, part of me was lost too. When I lost you, I felt empty. When I lost you, I thought that happiness will never come again. When I lost you, my heart was the most broken thing in the world.

You taught me how to cook. You taught me how to bake. You told me that the world was a beautiful place. I didn't believe that at first, but you showed me how the world works, how it could be beautiful when I open my eyes. When I lost you, the beauty of the world that you introduced to me became dark and was filled with agony and depression.

I missed having conversations with you. I missed making hot chocolates with you. I missed everything from you.

But I want you to know, that I am thankful for everything. I never got to say these words in front of you, and it sucks. Everyday I think about it, if everything would change if I was able to say what I wanted to say. If I could bring you back in this world. If I would be able to hug you again. If I would be able to see your smile again. If I would be able to hear your laugh again. But it didn't.

I want you to know that I have discovered the hidden treasure in the world, in my world at least. And I am happy that I have.

He brought happiness to me. He never fails to make me smile. His smile was my cup of coffee. His eyes were a work of art. His embrace was my comfort. His kiss was a definite thrill in my feelings. He was the golden treasure that I had discovered. He was the most beautiful thing on earth.

It is devastating that you didn't even had the chance to meet him. But I want you to know that he's by my side, and he is helping me heal as I am doing the same to him.

I miss you, Mom. So much. I miss you every second. I miss you every minute. I miss you every hour. I miss you every day. It hurts that I wouldn't be able to see you again.