"What we have to lose"

70

These past weeks went by like nothing. Maybe it was me feeling numb all the time. I didn't really saw what was going on around me. I went to the races, spend my time in my hotel room alone because my symptoms were getting heavier and Daniel still hasn't texted me. I know I should've talked to him because it's my fault. And I feel more than bad for it. I never wanted it to be like that. During the last weeks I talked to Charlotte and Charles a lot. She knew what was going on anyways but now she also knows what's with Daniel and me. She told me that she would talk to him but I needed to do it myself. He deserves to know it. "I'll tell him when we are back in Monaco." I said to her over the phone. Today was the last race before summer break. Max did such a great job here at the Hungaroring. I'm also proud to see Lando's results. It's his first year in formula one and he already does such a great job. I told him as well that I'll tell Daniel soon.
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I watched everyone leave the track already. Hamilton has won the race, Max made it to P3 and Daniel was on P4. I felt genuinely happy for him, he had a hard time with a few races. I wanted to hug him and tell him how proud I am so much but was scared he'd push me away. But since I had my ritual to wish him good luck, I always prepared a note for him and placed it next to his helmet whenever he wasn't around. And Michael told me that he saw them and that he could see a smile appearing on his face every time. That's what gave me hope. Hope he hasn't moved on and hope that he will forgive me.
Back in the hotel room, all by myself obviously, I packed my stuff together and into my suitcase. We'll leave tonight and fly back to Monaco, Daniel will be on the same plane, Max, Charles and Charlotte as well. I don't know how to feel about it because these past weeks Daniel somehow managed to fly separately. To be honest I had severe panic attacks while flying without Daniel. Since I'm ill he was always by my side. He always checked on me and that was missing. I was surrounded by my friends but it was just different. And it was your fault.
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I sat into my seat next to Max who smiled at me, making sure I feel okay. Daniel sat right in front of me but didn't dare to look at me at all. Even though my mind constantly reminds me that this is all my fault, it gave my heart a big ache. The weird silence between us didn't last long because the flight was over pretty fast. I was talking to Charlotte while we waited for our luggage and didn't realize that Daniel was already gone. Another ache.
I received my luggage and went into my apartment. I unpacked, put everything in the washer and decided to finally talk to Daniel. I was scared because I wasn't sure if he would listen. Whatever the outcome of that will be, I have to talk to him. I can't stand it anymore, my lying. And I'm tired, I'm so tired. I recognized it during the past weeks. The doctor said that it would be worse but I never thought it would hit me that hard. I walked up to his apartment and at that point shaking like crazy because of how nervous I am. I rang the bell, nothing. I knocked on his door, nothing. "Daniel Are you here?" I ask but get no respond. I called Max to ask if he has seen Daniel. "He told me he wants to go to the beach." Max answered and I thanked him. I told him that I'll talk to him later as well. I made my way out of the apartment complex, walking straight to the beach. I thought it wasn't possible to be more nervous but I was. More than before.
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I arrived at the beach, no one to be seen. I looked around and saw Daniel, all alone sitting in one of the two chairs. It was so beautiful here, so calm and the sun was about to set. I slowly walked towards him, shaking. Without saying anything I sat down in the other chair. I thought Daniel would stand up and leave but he stayed, a good sign. Now we both sat there, silent, staring at the water. I didn't move my head when I started talking. "I am so sorry, I never wanted it to be like that." I started, my voice literally breaking. I was at the urge to cry already. "I know I acted weird and you deserved an explanation from the beginning." I continued and felt Daniel taking my hand in his, holding it tight. " I think you recognized the change i had these past months and it was something that upset me so much, it also scared me." I explained and Daniel held onto my hand tighter. "A few weeks ago when I was at the doctor, he told me it got worse. He told me to start another therapy but I said no." I said and the tears were rolling down my cheeks. "And I told him that I have to be by your side. And he called me multiple times saying he's worried. And I recognized that I felt worse. That's why I always declined to go out for dinner. I was always glad that you never saw me in the morning. I threw up multiple times and I actually don't know how I survived it." I stopped because the tears made me. I heard Daniel sniff as well. I looked over to him and he wiped away his tears. My heart broke in that moment. I apologized again when Daniel finally said something. "I'm so sorry for the things I said, you didn't deserve that. I was freaking scared and I still am." He said and we both looked back to the water.

After a few moments of silence with Daniel still holding my hand, I felt myself crying more again. "Daniel, I don't wanna die." it came out and the tears kept streaming. Once again his grip on my hand tightens as he replied "You won't, I won't let you.". He cried heavier as well. And then we sat there, I don't know for how long. Holding hands. But I was relieved, relieved that he didn't run away and relieved because he finally knows the truth. Relieved that he won't leave me alone, my biggest fear.
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