ᴍʏ ᴍɪssɪɴɢ sᴏᴜʟ || ᴛᴀᴇᴊɪɴᴋᴏᴏᴋ ✅

єριѕσ∂є 74 - тαєнуυиg

You couldn't feel that you were first falling in love with someone but no matter where you looked, your eyes would always lock on him in the end. The heartbeat for that person just couldn't lie even if you were in denial yourself.

At first, Taehyung felt sorry for Seokjin, a leukemia patient that didn't even have a close one there for him. Then, his heart ached for him when he saw him asking about his condition calmly in a low voice, waiting outside his office in silence wearing his thick down jacket, having trouble standing after his bone marrow puncture. And then, he fell for him when he saw him carrying the flowerpot in panic but very carefully, showing half of his face from his thick down jacket. He knew it was wrong but he still sunk into this feeling without making any effort to struggle.

Later, every time Taehyung thought of Seokjin, his big round eyes came to his mind first. It was a wet, gentle and loving pair of eyes with large eyeballs and little sclera. The second thing was Seokjin's voice, light and slow. A long sentence would become slow, soft music when he said it.

When he knew the story between Jungkook and Seokjin in the beginning, he wasn't disappointed, but was mad. He thought Seokjin deserved better. That man still couldn't care less about him even when he was in that state. He surely hated Jungkook for having affairs out there while owning such a mild pure man. But at the time, it wasn't Taehyung place to do anything. He could only persuade The younger to take medical treatment, he could only show his concerns as a doctor.

The only thing he could do was pull every of his strings to find bone marrows for Seokjin. The younger didn't care about his body but Taehyung couldn't. The longer Seokjin waited, the more eager Taehyung was to calculate how many days he had got left because of professional habit. He genuinely felt bad for him, every time he saw the younger pale face after his chemo, he could feel the urge of holding him tight in his arms, of taking care of him, of never letting him carry the burden on his own.

And then an impulsive kiss from him changed the whole thing between them. He didn't regret it. Only at that crazy moment, did he realize how deep love he was in with Seokjin.

So he could never let go. He took him away at the expense of his future and career. Even though he knew the ending would be painful, he drowned himself in that bitter-sweetness.

Every step they took together wasn't easy. He knew Seokjin's heart belonged to someone else, like for eternity. 14 years of love and hate, loving that man had become an instinct engraved in him. Taehyung wasn't a saint inclusive enough to ignore their old love but he didn't have the heart to leave Seokjin alone to deal with the pain and suffering all by himself. If two people shared the pain, would his shoulder less? He thought.

In fact, Taehyung never felt the things he did for Seokjin was too hard, he never thought of getting anything in return; only occasionally, he thought it would be great if Seokjin actually liked him a little.

Later he found out slowly that Seokjin's heart was softer than he thought. The younger also learned to accept him as he opened a little window on his heart.

Seokjin never had a verbal agreement of 'being together' with Taehyung and he never said love and true heart to him. But for some reason, Taehyung was so affirmative that Seokjin did love him even just for one second.

One time, Seokjin felt terrible at night, he stayed by his side overnight; next noon, he could stand much longer so he fell into sleep on the couch. That was more like hypnagogic, during which people could hear but couldn't open their eyes. Taehyung could sense that someone put on a blanket on him very gently. That person didn't leave right away, but stood next to him for quite a while and eventually covered him up a bit carefully. He spoke as if sighing, "Silly..." His tone was filled with pity. Taehyung thus fell into a deep sleep.

When he woke up, it was already dark. Seokjin had made dinner, a wholesome dinner. He sat in the armchair next to the window, reading a book under dim light from a decorative lamp. The moment made Taehyung wanna cry. He thought, even God wouldn't have the heart to give his persistent love the cold shoulder. Everything you'd done wouldn't just disappear; instead, they would be remembered.

It was good enough for Taehyung. Even if they never had the relationship established, they were as close as a couple. The younger wouldn't resist him, instead, he had been trying to accept Taehyung more.

But Taehyung did fear more and more. He wouldn't even dare to think about what he would become when Seokjin was gone. Ten more years of being a doctor, he couldn't save his love.

He could never forget the night before Seokjin's birthday. They were so intimate that night, skin to skin, that they became one, but deep down, his heart ached so hard. When he kissed Seokjin's eyebrows, his tears wet his face. At that moment, he just wanted to hold him tight, tight enough to keep him with him forever and ever.

The younger seemed to really have enjoyed his birthday. By the time he talked about Jungkook with him, he was quite calm. Love and hate had taken up half of his short life. It was time to let go. But Taehyung suddenly had a feeling that someone was going towards an end. He dared not to think yet the terror at the bottom of his heart spread like a drop of ink in clear water.

When he looked back at that day, it was probably that last happy day he had in his life, and the upcoming suffering days were already brewing back then.

Seokjin left nothing in the end, no will. The last thing he said was how to deal with his body.

He said he wanted to watch the lake and the flowers in the garden from upstairs while his mind was temporary clear.

Taehyung held Seokjin in his arms. They sat together on the soft rug. He stroked his hair and face gently. "You will see blossoms after New Year. Just wait a bit, alright?"

Seokjin slowly fell asleep in his arms. He didn't look painful but he kept the frown between his eyebrows. Taehyung eased his frown and said mildly, helplessly. "You said you wanted a view but here you sleep as you like."

The older kept holding him until afternoon. But Seokjin didn't fall asleep. he was in a coma. The room was so quiet that only the sound of Taehyung's heartbeats could be heard. He tested Seokjin's breath again and again. By dusk, he suddenly saw Seokjin open his lips. Taehyung leaned over to listen to his muttering,

"The school is over... Let's go home... together..." He watched Seokjin as an explicit gentle smile appeared on his face. Taehyung held him tight, he didn't let him go for the whole night.

Could you imagine what it would feel like? The one you cared the most, you loved the most, you wanted to spend your entire life with, loses his breaths and heat little by little in your arms... That was the most desperate and painful feeling, that was the heaviest punishment one could have. The most unacceptable thing was the one he loved didn't have him in his last memory.