Solace (completed)

Chapter Twenty-Six

Alex Solace

I've been ignoring Elias all weekend.

   What Mother- I can't even fucking call her that anymore. What Teresa said, it really fucked with my head.

There's two things running through my head right now.

The first one is her version of everything. That she's right. That everything I've known my whole life is true. I'll never get the experience of feeling loved, I'll always be something that men use for their own pleasure.

   But I don't... I don't think Elias would do that. Is that naive of me? To think that he wouldn't do that? I just... I just don't see it. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't believe that Elias could do that to me. I want to believe him. This is Teresa speaking after all. A small part of me trusts him more than her.

   But then there's my own concocted version of everything.

   Elias may be good for me. He might be just what I need in life. But what if I'm not good for him. What if sexual pleasure is all I can offer him? I don't know how to be in a relationship. All the relationships I've had around me were based on the girl being there for a man and his desires.

   What if that's all I'm good for?

   What if that's all I know how to offer him? What if I can't give him what he's looking for? I can give him a blowjob, I can have sex with him, but what if he's a guy that's genuinely looking for something good that I can't give him?

   What Teresa said affected me more than I care to admit. Not her words exactly, but just hearing my biggest fears coming out of the mouth of the person I hate, it made me go into a spiral that I don't know how to get out of.

   I've been laying in bed all weekend. Not eating, not sleeping. It was funny because just yesterday she came in here asking if I wanted to go see Robert. She came in here... having the nerve to ask if I wanted to see that son of a bitch who's in a coma— like everything's fine.

   I ignored her and she eventually got the hint. She's over there now, visiting his sickly pale body. I was starting to think that maybe she was getting better. She stopped smoking so much, she watched Mateo a few times, but then she had to go and ruin it.

   Elias has tried calling and texting me a few times and I feel bad. Like I'm worrying him by not answering somehow.

   10 missed calls.

   24 text messages.

   Elias: morning sweet cheeks. wanna come over?

   Elias: ur sleepy ass still asleep?

   Elias: time to wake up baby. It's two in the fuckin afternoon.

   Elias: Alex?

   Elias: answer me, love.

   Elias: did something happen?

   Elias: If this has anything to do with what happened, I understand you need space. But just tell me you're okay. Just send me a random letter or something, anything.

   Elias: Alex, this isn't funny anymore. Answer me before I get worried and come to your house.

   Elias: I really wanna respect your privacy, baby. Believe me, I do. But I will bust ur damn door down if you don't answer me.

   The last one made me laugh if anything. I could just imagine his face as he typed it and it made me burst out laughing.

   There's a few more, but they're more funny words of protectiveness and care more than anything.