Solace (completed)

Chapter Fourty-Seven

I have never been in a relationship before so forgive me if some parts of this chapter make you say 'wtf?'

Also, I'm sorry for posting this a week late but I hope this 15,000 word chapter makes up for it. Now, onto part 1 of the moment you've all been waiting for...
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Alex Solace

   He's on top of me.

   You think I'm exaggerating. I'm not.

   His body feels like deadweight on top of me. He's lucky I don't mind feeling compressed or this would be an entirely different conversation.

   Multiple pillows are stuffed under my back and head to keep my upper body elevated. His body lays between my legs which are bent up at his sides, keeping him boxed in.

   His hands wrap around my body, squeezing the hell out of me like he's afraid I'll evaporate into thin air if he so much as let's me breathe.

  Plus he snores. Soft, even puffs of air coming out his puckered mouth, his chest rising and falling evenly, and I grin at the sight. The only reason he fell asleep in the first place is because my hands found their way into his curls and I started massaging his scalp subconsciously.

   Oops?

   The thing I love most about his whole positioning is how his head will nuzzle deeper into my chest every once in a while, tiny mewls coming from his mouth. Like a cat.

   We're supposed to be going to the party later today so we decided to come to his house to get ready. Apparently, we also came over here to nap.

   And Mateo isn't any better. Before Elias decided to take a nap on my chest, he went into a food coma from whatever Carmen made him, drool coming out the side of his mouth and everything. He's laying right next to Elias and I with the blanket draped over his body, my phone right next to his face where he was watching YouTube.

   I have both of my boys with me, out cold and quiet.

   I run my hand through Elias' curls, making sure to graze the nape of his neck with my nails. A deep rumble comes from the depths of his chest that resembles a mix of a growl and a groan.

   Hot.

   A weird feeling encapsulates my heart, a feeling that I was once scared of but am now starting to welcome. I didn't know what this feeling was at a point, but now I'm certain.

I know what I feel, and I think- don't quote me on this- but I think he feels the same.

I think... I think I'm finally confident in what I feel.

The only problem is getting the fucking words to come out of my mouth.

And then once I start overworking myself about saying the words I start to overthink. Like what if I'm wrong? What if it's too early? What if I'm not supposed to feel like this?

I was just miserable and depressed a few weeks ago, but now all of a sudden I'm ready to say the words I've been scared of saying my whole relationship? Aren't I supposed to be depressed for like... another month before I can be happy?

It doesn't make sense. My feelings don't make sense, how they fluctuate and change from one thing to another. And then it makes me scared because it's like 'why if I can't trust how I'm feeling'?

I hate myself. I hate my brain. I wish I didn't have to think, that I could just listen to my heart.

Ugh- FUCK!