Solace (completed)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

I know I said I wouldn't put trigger warnings in this book, but it feels necessary for this.

Tw: mentions of self harm, death, and the grieving process.

Also this is weird but comment what Elias and Alex's 'song' should be ➡️
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Alex Solace

I haven't moved since last night.

Right after Officer Walsh and Daniels left I went to Mateo's room to make sure he was asleep then went straight to my room where I haven't... moved. Haven't moved... haven't closed my eyes... haven't blinked.

My ears haven't stopped ringing. My body hasn't stopped shaking. My mind hasn't stopped racing.

I surrounded myself with my blankets, trying to find some comfort, but I don't think it worked. I kept on my hoodie and joggers, then I layered blanket after blanket on top of me. Desperate to find some warmth since my body wouldn't stop convulsing.

I wrapped myself from head to toe in these blankets. Curling in on myself to warm up. My body's so... cold. I keep shivering. I haven't stopped shivering since they left. I mean, maybe that has something to do with the fact that's its cold outside but... but I can't stop shaking. My hands are right in front of my mouth as I occasionally blow on them to warm up. I know it's just me that feels like this because I turned the heat up as soon as I got out the shower.

Now I'm laying on my right side, the blinds to my windows are wide open and I stare into the night sky. My body in the fetal position. The scene before me of the soft clouds, black sky, and shiny stars make my chest ache even more.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I think I even forgot how to even breathe. Every time I allow myself the ability to think, quiet tears start to stream down my cheeks for some godforsaken reason.

I hate this. I hate myself. I hate myself for crying over them. I hate Teresa for killing herself. I hate her for leaving me like this.

She wasn't a good mother. She was horrible, verbally abusive, neglectful. She was a bad mother, but I don't think she was a bad person.

Maybe I'm not even grieving. Maybe it's 10 year old me before shit went down that's grieving. Maybe it's my inner child who always wanted a mother that's grieving.

It's not only that. I've raised Mateo his whole life. Since I was 13 I've done it by myself. But she was always there. She never did anything to help, granted, but her presence was always there and now that it's not... it means that I'm really alone.

She never scared me. Robert scared me. Robert scared the living shit outta me. The mention of his name was enough to send shivers up my spine. I was scared to look at my phone whenever it buzzed because I thought it would be him.

I knew his smell, I knew his walk, I knew his voice... I memorized every fucking part of that monster because that's how much he scared me.

But Teresa? No, she never scared me. She just. Pissed. Me. Off.

Whenever I saw her name on my phone, I would either roll my eyes or groan. Or even both. The only time her text messages made my heart race was if she was talking about Robert in the message.

She never scared me. It was her mouth that scared me. It was the words that she would spit out like fire that scared me.

See that's the difference. That's what people don't understand. How can you be scared of what comes out of her mouth but not her? It's possible.