Outsider | Na Jaemin ✓

𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘶𝘴 𝟷 | 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝟷

The following two chapters are bonus chapters and aren't really part of the story. Quite literally, the reason why I'm doing this is for practice for my upcoming English assignment. I'm not sure if people will read these next two chapters but if you are, hello! Feel free to comment on what I think I should do, I would love to hear your ideas! This is the question:

Compose two short texts from two different perspectives that invite the reader to consider the value of belonging.

The two perspectives that I will be writing about are:

1) Haeyoon's perspective - belonging stems from the people around us but is hard to value as people will come and go easily

2) Jaemin's perspective - belonging stems from the people around us and is valuable as people will come and go easily

My parents, my birth parents, weren't always the responsible parents that they should be. My existence was unplanned as both were highly intoxicated by alcohol as the shut off all their morals and consciousness. They definitely learn from their mistakes and have raised me the best that they could, showering me with lots of love and care. To be honest, it was kind of hard to not love them, hence why I surprise myself with the hate that I have towards them now. After my mother realised that she was pregnant with me, her first reaction was to abort the living organism inside her, however her partner who wanted nothing but to be a father, managed to convince her to keep me. My mother would occasionally apologise to me for thinking of throwing me away once but I understood as she was just scared and confused at the pregnant age of 25. All in all, it surprised me how my own mother, who originally wanted me gone, would sleep next to me at night as she wept my tears in a bad day or as she sang to me a lullaby that would make me fall asleep peacefully; I truly felt love and belonged.

Outside the house, Soobin was the first friend that I made in kindergarten. Before meeting Soobin's extroverted personality, I was the little girl who would sit in the corner, minding her own business to herself as she blocked off the environmental noises around her around the air conditioned classroom. But that day when Soobin extended his hands to me, asking me to hang out with the little group he is in, I took a step forward towards making social interaction with those around me. With this, I not only felt accepted at home but also in school. My friend group gradually increased, meeting Jeno and Yebin in primary school while finally meeting Donghyuck and Renjun in high school. Just like that, the six of us carried on until quite recently when Soobin's feelings for me made me uncomfortable. Of course I knew that it was not his intention to do so, however I couldn't help but lose my sense of comfort and belonging that I once felt with the boy. Gradually, our eleven year of friendship turned to nothing and it hurts that even time cannot keep a bond intact as anything could happen.

Back at home, when my parents were caught drink-driving on their way home from their date night, I lost my sense of belonging at home. I lost everything that I could relating to home. I had to box all my belongings, some I couldn't even keep and I was moved to an adoption home. When I thought I finally had a family that would care for me, my foster father turned out to be a sexual harasser and my foster mother was like the bottom of the food chain towards him. 

In the end, nothing seemed to fit anymore and I lost all trust in belonging. Belonging is so hard to keep that I sometimes I would cry at night, weeping if anyone would accept me for the way I am. It's hard to know that belonging is a two way road between me and another person, also considering that the other person has to put in effort to maintain the bond between us. Belonging is so dynamic that it's so hard to appreciate; when it goes down, it feels as if I'm the one disappointing myself and others, but when it goes well, of course everything is fine...only for it to crash back down again.