TW// self harm, suicide.
- please don't read if you're triggered by this
i walk down the hall of the coven slowly, completely numb. none other than heaviness reeked through my body as i inched closer to my bedroom.
it's summer, the worst time of the year.
i've always dreaded summer, short sleeves, shorts, bathing suits. most of all i hate the evenings, when the sun is setting and the air gets cool. nothing feels real, more so like a fever dream.
the small alarm clock on my nightstand reads 6pm. yet, the sun shines bright, the warm summer breeze dances around my curtains and my mind lingers on one thing.
slowly my heart beats, i haven't the energy to lift a finger. i sigh; sitting on my bed, looking at the floor. i breathe hopelessly, knowing that today is not going to end well.
i look over at my alarm clock once more, five minutes have passed of me staring at the floor. i contemplate it one last time before sliding open the top drawer of my nightstand and collecting the deconstructed pencil sharpener. it's purple. my favourite colour, how ironic.
the coven is quiet, too quiet for my liking. all i want is to ask for help but i don't know how. not without sounding crazy or unstable; which i probably am.
my hands don't tremble when i do this anymore, i dont fear the pain... i enjoy it. my breathing is no longer edgy, more so slowed and relaxed. this has become a comforting thing, it's a safe space for me. knowing that no matter how many things in my life may change, this will always stay with me.
i slowly raise the blade to my left wrist, the cold metal presses against my delicate skin. despite being summer my arms are always pale, hence the hoodies i refuse to change out of, despite any circumstances.
i sigh as the familiar stinging sensation pulses through my arm. i keep my eyes closed, leaning my head back and breathing deeply. "once more" i think, that once more turning into three, then five.
i stop at five when i feel liquid drip onto my exposed thighs. i look down at the mess i've created, a small smile pinches the corner of my lips along with a sigh of relief escaping through my nose.
i drop the blade on the floor and fall back onto the softness of my bed. i've experienced this many times before, each time the feeling fades i go a little further. do a little more, release more feelings. or in this case, try to feel any at all.
my eyelids relax and fall over my eyes slower, the corners of my lips turn upward, i focus on my breathing. one in, one out. i repeat as lightheadedness along with detachment of reality sinks in. i've waited so long to feel this feeling, two weeks to be exact. i wanted to stop, for a day or two i thought i could. silly me.
my mind distances it's self from my body, flashbacks of old memories resurface.
my younger self, running through a field while laughing. im with a lady but i don't know who it is, but i know i'm safe with her. she's wearing a black sun dress... that's all i remember.
"Y/N?!" a muffled voice rings through my ears. my body is too drained to respond, i groan and attempt to turn my head but it's too heavy. it falls back to the side and i feel myself slipping back into whatever trance i've entered.
"oh god... no no no" worried mumbles echo through the room and trembling hands caress up and down my arm nervously. whoever is with me, takes me into their arms. they're being so loud, i just want to escape.
a warm hand grabs my jaw, my eyes flutter at the sudden movement. a blurry imagine of Cordelia appears in front of me. "oh god.. come back to me please" she sobs.
"Delia" i sigh, uncontrollably my head falls into the crevice of her arm, my cheek resting on her chest. she's warm, it's nice. i've grown cold, very cold... almost damp feeling.
"i'm here, keep talking" with her shaking hand, she pushes the hair out of my face. i try to keep my eyes open but they're just so heavy, i need to close them but she keeps waking me. "no no no, don't sleep please" she cries and rocks slightly back and fourth.
frantically looking around the room she yells "somebody help please" her voice strained, worried and sad.
"what is it- oh my god" zoe appears in the door frame, her face turning white once she gets a glimpse of what is happening.
"zoe, zoe- help me please" delia sounds desperate, begging almost.
im so cold... the good feeling isn't here anymore. its painful... more than usual. it's getting harder to breathe, usually i can feel my heart beating but it's not there, it's weak. "delia" i whisper
"i'm here baby, im here" she pulls me closer and rests her head on mine. "don't go, please" she wails.
"GO GET MISTY" cordelia orders to zoe, she nods quickly and darts down the hall in search of misty.
"i'm here darling, stay with me" cordelia rocks me back and forth, crying softly. "you're okay i promise" her voice breaks and she sniffles. i try to repeat her name again but i'm too weak, all that comes out is a small groan.
"shh, it's okay..." she trails off "sunshine, you are my sunshine" cordelia begins to sing my favourite lullaby.
"you make me happy when skies are grey" her voice is soft but heart breaking, filled with sadness.
"you'll never know dear, how much i love you"
"so please don't take my sunshine away" her beautiful voice breaks during the last line, one tear of hers falls into my forehead. my heart shatters knowing the pain cordelia is feeling, causing a single tear to fall down my cheek.
"y/n?" her sad softened voice abruptly turns into worry stricken tone. she shakes me but i'm so close to the darkness, i can't pull myself away again. "y/n!" she says sterner this time.
"no no no no" she wails, i let my head rest on her, letting myself completely melt into her safe embrace. her cries become more distant by the second.
"where is she?!" misty yells, that's the last thing i hear before the blackness of my own self surrounds me. taking me in, drowning me with my own unbearable pain.
A/N
YALL IM SORRY FOR ENDING ALL MY CHAPTERS WITH CLIFF HANGERS 😭
i'll start writing the second part of my last chapter very soon!! i promise
and if anyone is going through what i just wrote about never feel scared to message me :) i'm always here <3
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Sarah Paulson X fem reader one shots
Random✦ One shots of Sarah Paulson Characters ✦ ~ ✿ Mostly AHS characters but some other ✿
