Jay Halstead imagines

Loss Part 2 - Jay Halstead

You ended up at Firehouse 51. The crew were having fun when you walked in.

"Y/N, how are you doing?" Hermann asked as soon as he saw you.

"Could be better. Is Kelly here?"

"Yeah, he's in his office," Hermann said. Before he could say anything else, you walked away from the crew and made your way to Kelly's office. His door was open, so you walked in without knocking.

"Are you busy? I need to hide somewhere," you said.

Kelly frowned. "Hide from who?"

You sat down on the bed. "Jay came back. Apparently, he was never dead, and he went undercover. Those assholes just forgot to fill Will and me in."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Voight and Antonio knew. Jay just walked into the apartment like nothing had happened. For a moment, I thought I was hallucinating again. I swear I was about to beat someone up. Can I hang out here for a while?"

"Sure. Stay as long as you need. How did Will react?"

"Didn't really pay much attention to it. It was clear to me that he didn't know either. Burgess her response was just as surprised. Antonio was so calm, now and back when... he knew. He definitely knew."

There is a knock on the door, which made you and Kelly both look up.

Gabby is standing in the doorway with some clothes in her hand. "I thought you maybe could use this? A pyjama doesn't seem that warm. And also some flip-flops so you're not barefoot at least," she said and handed the clothes to you.

"Thanks, Gabby."

"Did we hear it right? Is Jay... alive?"

"Yeah. The bastard never died."

Gabby sighed. "Well, if you ever need to talk about it, you know where to find me."

"Thanks, Gabs."

She nodded before walking away.

The rest of the day you spend with Kelly at the firehouse. It was a slow day, so you spent most of your time with him. By the end of the day, it was time to go back home. Kelly needed his bed back, and you couldn't avoid going home forever. You thought about it, but you also wanted to talk to Jay. To hug him again and tell him how much you loved him.

Kelly dropped you off at your apartment. "You can always come back if you need to," he said as you got out of his car.

"Thanks, Kelly. I'll talk to you soon."

You walked back into your apartment. Jay was sitting on the couch talking to Will. It was so weird seeing him as if nothing had happened. You didn't say anything. You walked to your bedroom and closed the door. You leaned against it and took a few deep breaths. You locked the door and quickly changed into your own clothes. There was a knock on the door.

"Y/N, it's Will."

You put your hair up in a bun and opened your bedroom door.

"Go talk to him," he quietly said.

"I'm building up to it," you mumbled. "It just..." you sighed. "When he walked in, I thought I was hallucinating again. For a moment, it felt so good. Then came the realization that it wasn't really him, and he started to say that he wasn't dead. How could they have done this to us, Will? I just don't get it."

"I know, and Jay can't tell much about the undercover operation because they haven't solved the case yet. But you need to talk to him, Y/N."

"I don't know how Will... I don't know how."

"Just like you did before. I'm going home now to give you and Jay the space that you need. You can always call me. Hell, if you want to sleep over, you know where the spare key is. But give him a chance, alright. It was hard for him as well."

"He didn't bury us."

Will sighed. He pressed a kiss against your head. "Call me tomorrow, okay? Or come by at Med."

"Fine." Will grabbed his bag and left the apartment.

You took a deep breath and walked to the living room. You sat down on the other end of the couch.

"Why did you take the pictures down?" Jay asked. They were now lying on the table in front of the couch.

"It was too hard to look at them. Why did you do this?"

"I didn't have much of a choice. The request came from another unit, way above us. It was an opportunity I couldn't refuse."

You felt tears burning in your eyes. "I just can't believe you did this. How nobody told us. You know, I couldn't get out of bed for the first two months. I barely ate, to the point where Will had brought me to the hospital because I was severely dehydrated. I couldn't sleep. I would wake up crying if I did fall asleep. The worst part was the mornings. When I did fall asleep, there was this moment just after waking up. It was the moment when I forgot what had happened. I would roll over to look at you, but you weren't there. The bed was empty and cold; that's when it would hit me again." You looked up at Jay. You could see it hurt him hearing this, but you didn't care. You wanted him to feel it.

"I'm so sorry. If I knew it would have that much impact, I would have never done it."

"What did you expect? That I would just go on and live my life as if nothing happened? My whole world fell apart when Connor told us the news. My heart broke into a million pieces. Half of my heart was gone, and it would never come back because it died with you. How would you feel if I faked my death? How would you react?" Jay didn't say anything, which said enough. "Exactly. You would be just as heartbroken. You probably would've drowned your sorrows with drugs and alcohol. You would leave the city and destroy what you loved. I know you, Jay. Or at least, I knew you. Never in a million years would I've thought that you would be capable of doing this."

Jay didn't say anything for a moment. "I don't know what you want me to say, Y/N. I'm sorry for putting you through all that, I really do. I am so sorry and I will make it up to you for the rest of my life if you want me."

"Of course I want you. I never dared to imagine that one day you would come back to me. But it's hard. I grieved, Jay, and that feeling won't go away in a second. It needs time."

"I know. You can have all the time you need."

You yawned. Today was an exhausting day.

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?"

"Absolutely not. Don't ever leave me again."

"I will do my best." You got closer to Jay and pressed your lips against his. Tears slowly made their way down your cheeks.

Jay pulled back and wiped them away from your face. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled.

"I know. We'll be okay. I love you."

"I love you too."