VERSES (THE LORD WANTS TO TELL)

THIS IS NOT THE END

Been sharing and inspiring some with my posts ever since but I have to recall myself why I've been doing it so. Lately, I've been struggling a lot. I hardly notice I'm being moved. I wanted to just shut up and live this life silently but every time I tried, lalo akong nagkakaroon ng reason to type something related to Him. I don't know if it's useful or has sense but whatever I'll say tonight, it is something I'm not in control of. Kasi gusto ko na lang talaga na manahimik. But here I am, uncontrollably doing this.

Hinga muna siguro akong malalim. Susubukan kong hindi papatakin ang luha sa mga mata.

I've been missing my mom for almost 4 years. Asking God what if she's huggable every now and then? But I know it too well that He knows what's best for everyone.

(Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. This is what I hold on to. His words are enough every time I mourn while reminiscing. Iba kasi kapag may nayayayakap na ina. Na kahit sobrang bagsak na ng balikat mo, makita o mahagkan mo lang siya, as if she's giving you the power to go on. "Kaya mo 'yan, ikaw pa ba. Nandito lang ako." That's their superpower. Sadly, I lost her earlier. )

I've been asking God why me. Why of all people, why of all the members of the family, it has to be me? Why did He gave me an understanding and forgiving heart even if means breaking me? (1Timothy5:8: But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. When I dreamt of becoming what I am today, isinama ko sa hangarin ko na mag-provide sa kanila. Remembering my prayer before: Lord kapag ibinigay Niyo na sa akin, I'll help them. Hindi pwedeng ako lang. Without knowing the consequence of my prayer na kasama pala sa pangarap kong magbigay pa rin kahit sa mga sitwasyong unreasonable and undeserving na. This is where my faith being tested. And so my love for them. Minsan ang sarap nang bumitaw, but then, re-reading this verse, I'm not in the place to let go. Only He can. So I let Him take over, over and over again, kasi kung ako lang, matagal na akong naging selfish. I'm just an ordinary human-being. But with all His power, He made me an extra one. Saludo sa mga breadwinner na nakokonsensyang unahin ang sarili kahit paminsan-minsan lang.)

I've been asking Him to make me strong and wise to overcome everything even if it takes longer than I could carry. (Joshua 1:9: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. When things go wrong, situations are unbearable, the first thing I always wanted to do is to escape. And by escaping, I meant death. Not once, not twice, or even thrice I tried ending my life. It's always what I do whenever I face trials. It just that, God's power is something I can't escape totally. He saves me from all the days I wanted to just close my eyes eternally. He saves me from all the heartaches and negativities. He saves me from everything that making me wants to escape. No one will know how He saves unless he experienced things the hardest. It's just comforting that even after saving me from escaping, I was never afraid of dying. To die is to live with Him peacefully. But I learned. That dying means living in His presence day by day and hoping for Him in eternity and not ending life selfishly.)

I've been asking Him why does he have to delay something that will make me feel good at least in this life. (Romans 8:28: And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. Sa sobrang dami kong gustong mangyari, ni-isa, walang nadale. I've seen myself dbeing distant to Him kapag nagtatampo ako. Kapag pakiramdam kong deserve ko naman pero bakit hindi Niya ina-allow na makuha ko. Sa sobrang matampuhin ko, nakakalimutan ko na yung Diyos pala na mayroon ako, eh 'yung Amang may alam sa lahat ng makabubuti at hindi sa akin. Iba kasi ang mga bagay na alam nating makabubuti sa atin kumpara sa mga bagay na mas alam Niya. Kaya nakakabulag minsan ang mga pangarap. Lalo kung pansarili lamang na kapakinabangan. Buti na lang talaga kahit masakit, naipaiintindi Niya sa akin na lahat ng bagay, naaayon sa plano at kagustuhan Niya lalo kung nagiging masunurin tayo and humbly asking our purpose in Him.

I've been crying silently because no one will understand how hard and painful my path is except God. Because He never called God for nothing. Yung mga bagay na unreachable sa tao, it isn't with Him. Sakripisyo lang talaga ang buhay when living like Jesus pero ang mahalaga naman ang afterlife.

Tapping my shoulder pala. Proud lang sa sarili na kinakayang itawid ang araw at gabi.