9-1-1 and 9-1-1 Lone Star one shots (mostly angst)

42: Buck+Eddie⚠️⚠️

•Title: "Complete vulnerability"

•Requester:

•Warnings: mental illness-more specifically bipolar. Talk of suicide and self harm.

•Inspiration: I actually don't know. I had this idea pop into my head last night and figured Buck and Eddie would be the best couple. This is kind of loosely inspired by Shameless 6x08.

•Type: angst

A/N: Okay, so this will be based on how other shows write this mental illness. I don't intend to offend anyone, either. The low points will be a bit based on my own depressive episodes. Also, I don't know how old Buck was when he joined the 118, but go with it. This is FICTION. Not everything will be accurate.

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Eddie and Buck have been together for six months. Bobby, Athena, May, Chimney, Hen, Ravi, Maddie, Karen, and Christopher know about their relationship. They have been in seemingly perfect bliss ever since they got together. That's the cause of the smiles on their faces as they each wake up in Buck's bed. Christopher was staying with Hen and Karen-Denny had relentlessly begged them to invite his friend over.

"Good morning, mi amor," Eddie says softly as he walks towards the bathroom.

"Can we just stay in bed all day until we have to pick up Chris?" Buck asks softly.

"Actually, Carla is picking him up. We just have to go to work," Eddie responds, a toothbrush in his mouth as he pokes his head out of the bathroom.

"Okay, well, can we just stay in bed all day until work?" Buck asks with a smile as he walks over to the bathroom.

"I think that can be arranged," Eddie says as he spits the toothpaste out and rinses his mouth.

He places a gentle kiss on Buck's temple before leaving the room. Buck brushes his teeth and leaves the room. He smiles as he sees Eddie back in the bed, sitting up against the headboard with a pillow behind him. Buck climbs into the bed and sits in a similar position next to his boyfriend. Eddie reaches his arm around Buck with a smile, allowing the younger to lean into his body.

"I love this," Eddie says softly, "it's like we're in our own little world. Now that pretty much everyone knows about us, there aren't anymore secrets."

"Well, at least there are less secrets," Buck says softly.

Eddie pulls back so that he can turn to face Buck, "you have secrets? You're practically an open book."

"I know," Buck says, "but there are some things that only three people know. One of them is me."

"Okay," Eddie starts, "tell me something I don't know, then."

Buck is silent for a moment. In his mind, he only hesitates for a few seconds. In Eddie's mind, he is silent for nearly five minutes. However, in reality, the silence lasts no more than half a minute.

"I-I'm uh," he takes a breath, "I'm bipolar."

Eddie is shocked. He didn't expect for this to be the response. He sort of figured Buck to make a joke or funny comment. He never expected that the secret Buck has been keeping to be this.

"Wow," Eddie says gently, "how long have you known?"

"I was diagnosed when I was 25, during my second year with the 118," Buck says softly.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Eddie asks softly.

"Well, during my probationary year, I was a mess. I was pretty much sleeping with every girl I encountered and was never satisfied. At one point, though, I hit what I now know is a depressive episode. Even just opening my eyes felt like I just ran a mile. My entire body hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep. I missed work, not even calling in. Bobby couldn't get a hold of me, so he came over the first chance he could," he lets out a chuckle.

"What happened?"

"Well, he found me sound asleep in my bed. At first, he tried tough love, yell at me for missing work. Then, after I screamed at him to fuck off, he knew something was seriously wrong. He actually decided to take the rest of the shift off, having someone fill in as captain."

"Is that when you got diagnosed?"

"No, actually," Buck says, "that didn't happen until months later, when I hit a lower point. He knew I had been acting," he pauses as he searches for a word, "erratic. So, on my day off, he consistently texted me. He later told me he was worried one of their calls would be me, doing something 'stupid'. After his shift, he came by and found me hurting myself."

"You hurt yourself?" Eddie's voice is filled with concern.

"Yeah," Buck responds sadly, "he took me to get help that night. He called in a 51-50 on me. I was committed for a month. I was diagnosed and told to make a list of people who know and can help me."

"Does Maddie know?" Eddie asks.

"Yes, she found out shortly after I did. She says that a lot makes sense now-starting with the fact that I didn't stay with a job for very long before moving once again. After I was released, I was at work for two weeks before you came, followed by Maddie."

"Can I ask, after the firetruck incident, you were kind of dark. Was that a low point?" Eddie asks carefully.

"Yes," Buck says, "but it wasn't as low as I've gone. Manic episodes can be triggered by big changes, heartbreak, or anything stressful. In this case, it was losing my job as a firefighter."

"So, are you on medicine for it?" Eddie asks.

"Yes, I am. It's a low dosage of the medicine, though. It took me a while-five years almost-to get my medicine under control. My episodes are caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine helps balance them, but I struggle sometime still. With my medicine, though, my highs and lows aren't as severe and the switch isn't as sudden," Buck explains.

"So, how can I help?" Eddie asks, his fingers tracing patterns in Buck's upper arm.

"Just be there for me," Buck says softly, "I understand, though, if this is too much. Especially since you have Chris-"

"Evan, hey, I can practically hear your thoughts spiraling. Chris is my priority, and we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. This doesn't change that in any way. I will never leave you for something like your mental health," Eddie says as he cups Buck's cheek.

"I love you too," Buck says with tears in his eyes.

"So, how do you feel after telling me?" Eddie asks softly.

Buck sighs as he ponders the question, "I feel okay. I don't think I realized how much it hurt me to keep this from you."

"You never have to hide from me, Buck. I know who you are, no matter what. It's safe to be completely vulnerable with me."

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A/N: I have somehow begun ending these by writing the title-or something that has to do with the title. I kind of like it.