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"Every time someone asks how I am, I wanna scream to them, I have no fucking clue!
I want to be productive but I can't
I want to make friends but I hate to socialise
I want to shower but I don't because I'm staying inside
At first I thought I was lethargic but no . . . I'm just depressed
I want people to know but no one cares
I give advice to others but not to myself
I can understand human behaviour but never my own
This makes me question if I even am human ?
But honestly, I am just scared
Scared that
I am scared that my teenage years will pass by without me doing anything worthy
I'm scared that I won't be able to tell stories about me and my friends because I don't have any
I am scared that I won't experience the so called silly little teenage love that everyone is talking about
I am scared that I won't be able to give advices about parties cause I wasted all my time watching others having fun but not me
I am scared that deep down I am still just the little kid that you left behind
I am scared that I am just a coward
The quiet coward who goes home right after class
That I am just too messed up for love or friendship because you fucked me up in my head too hard
That you were my wildest dreams but as it turned out you were my worst nightmare
I thought you were the one who was going to stick with me but look around, all you left is just me bleeding
Yes I am talking to you , the future I wanted to be
You . . . Son Joo ri
It feels so much better just letting all of that out instead of holding onto all the pent up tears. But as I write this I can't help but feel regret. So much regret. I had such big dreams and planned everything out but I forgot the main rule in life. The one where you never know what can happen in the future. Instead of worrying about it, I should've been satisfied with my present.
I was the quiet one who sniffed the fresh pages on a newly bought book. The one who comes home straight after class to study in hopes to achieve the best. But for what reason?
We come into this world bare and empty handed. We will leave this world bare and empty handed
Material things are bullshit but I was too messed up to ever notice. Too messed up for love or fun and now not a single thing I am satisfied with. The enjoyment I desired, and I learned that responsibilities are the brick wall to all of that.
Now look where I am
Working a simple 9-5 job
No boyfriend
No friends
No scars from playing recklessly
No prom dress from not attending
No broken heart or wound
No anything
Just nothing
Just Boring Boring Boring !
I wish I partied till sunrise
I wish I drank until I collapsed
I wish I had told my crush I liked them
I wish I danced in the rain at 3 in the morning
Lay down in middle of the road late at night gazing up at the stars
I wish I let loose and did stupid things that somehow mean so much to me know but I never realised
Now I realise
And it's too late
"What are you doing?!"
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