Loki was beyond caring that he looked upset and agitated, pacing his new home, to the amusement of his neighbors.
The silence and most of all solitude took a toll on his mental health.
No one visited him. No one talked to him. There was nothing for him to do.
When silence was becoming too much, Loki recited his future speech, murmuring quietly so as to hear his own voice at least. He bit his nails bloody, trying to make it perfect. And when he did, he kept retelling it so it will be engraved in his memory.
When the white walls hurt his eyes, the god would lay on his cot and imagine that he lies on the sand before the great ocean in Vanaheim. The water would be calm and soothing. The birds would be singing. His hands would bury themselves in the soft grit. His lungs would breathe the cleanest air. There will be so much light – not the darkness and the horrid stench of his room on Sanctuary; not the emptiness and stagnant air of his white cage. Just blue sky and soft sunshine.
Loki tried to construct other places, but something would always be amiss in some detail. As if his memory was failing him.
Trying to remember his guest chamber in the palace, Loki would feel knocked down because he wouldn’t be sure what color was his couch. Illusion broken.
Memories of traveling with his brother and his friends in Asgard’s forests would start alright. Not even their jokes would hurt him much. But when Loki would look up at the night sky, the stars there would flick and disappear completely. And when he would look again, the stars would be replaced to those he memorized while on Sanctuary, enveloped in the empty cold void. Illusion broken.
As a young man he visited a beautiful town in Alfheim, where the local governor bade him sincere welcome. The young Prince had impressed King Freyr on one visit, being very knowledgeable in seidr, so he recommended going to a small town to study air magic. It was one of Loki’s happiest memories. The people were so inviting, far cry from how his magic was perceived in Asgard.
So Loki tried to reconstruct the feasting hall where he spent his evenings making new friends with local mages. But even here his memory failed, and the Other would come through the doors of the hall and… Illusion broken.
Loki even imagined himself and Thor at the roof of that Tower in New York City, when they were fighting. The god would let it play as if when Thor asked him to stop, Loki did. He did stop and threw away his scepter and grabbed his brother’s vambraces. Loki would tell him that he didn’t want all this to happen, that he will tell him everything. Then they will hug. And Thor will smile and touch his neck and…
And then he will squeeze it and scream at his face that Loki betrayed everyone and he deserves to die. And then Thor will push him and Loki will fall and fall and… Illusion broken.
And many other scenes that never quite worked. Only the ocean was safe. Perhaps because there was nothing special there (and no one). Just the water and sky. But even so little would bring Loki momentary respite and calm sleep.
Then he would wake up and the days would resume.
