Beyond the end

Damned heart

Dylan watched Brenda pack up. He absorbed her contours. The long black hair gathered in a well-supported tail. The eyes, her hands bent in an urgent order.
"I'll leave some things here," she said.
"Maybe come and pick them up."
"Maybe you're coming to bring them back," she smiled.
"Brenda.." he sighed, attracted by her hands gently resting on things.
"I know," she said, "I know. We talked about it and talked about it again for all these nights. Your place is here now."
"Is there a place for me?"
Brenda smiled and sat on the bed. She scrutinized him she was in love but she was exhausted. Exhausted by words. From that boy he met years before, the one who had taken her by the hand, showed his heart, damned his. For whom she had fought hard with her family. Who had turned his back on her and then came back and then left again.
"Yes it exists," she replied, "It's everywhere as far as I know. It's in your nature and maybe you should stop fighting these demons, because demons are an integral part of you. You have a family. You have me. You have your friends. You are loved. You can feel it. Stop escaping from the shadows. Maybe if you stop somewhere you will find a Place or a person that fits perfectly to you. Sometimes I think you're just afraid of that."
"Maybe you're right."
Brenda resumed packing "I would do so much unless I was right D" looked at him with the corner of her eye "do you remember when you came to London? Not now, I mean years ago."
"I remember that."
"I didn't think I would see you again but I knew I would recognize you everywhere. And at the end of that theater I saw you. First of all. Before you saw yourself. I also saw our end before we even started but I didn't care. It was us. We were alone. We were in the world," she stared at him serenely "Your memory of Antonia was never a problem for me. Because I knew it belonged to a portion of your living. You are the only problem that was left to me."
"Everything I touch is destroyed," he sighed.
"Things work to the extent that you want them to work, Dylan, and they get destroyed when you stop protecting them. You stopped protecting me. And you came back here to justify yourself. To hide you. I love you," she said, "I have always loved you and I will always love you. Never doubt it. Somehow I will always wait for you. Remember that time in the car back from Palm Springs what did I tell you? How could I fall in love with someone else if I'm always in love with you? As much as I'm annoyed to admit it's still like that. And it will always be like that. But I'm not going to fight any war. No more, and not even Brandon," Brenda added, "it's you who have to choose me. It's you who has to go back to the bottom of that theater for me. I can't ask you.
"Yes, I know that"
"We are tired of your hearts divided in half. I mean you and Kelly. Isn't fair, can you understand that?"
"You know it didn't work between me and her. She ended up being unhappy and so did I. It is a pattern that is repeated all the time. Sometimes I think Kel loved the idea of me and not me."
"It didn't work, but you have a child and that's your specific responsibility" Brenda stopped "you have to think about what you want, prioritize. I always hope to see you come back and maybe I look for you, in every corner and in every place where I've been. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing you. In the midst of people. I would like to see you stay. Choose me. But I can't ask you. Not with Sammy."
she put her face in front of Dylan's "I can't ask you because it would destroy you having to choose and will destroy us."
Dylan nodded yes with his head. Brenda was right. It wasn't fair. She pulled himself up and he leaned his head on her belly. They stayed like this. And outside the rain began to tick the windows.
"Anyway, I thank you for these months together. For coming to London. For Ecuador. For Los Angeles. You were my happiness," he pulled his head and laid his eyes on hers.
"Think I wanted to take you to Minneapolis"
"Really?" Brenda smiled.
"Seriously"
"Dylan, Jim and Cindy"
"i would love to go"
"Yeah..," she said, "I hope to see you come back."
"let me take you to the airport"
"No," she said shaking her head, "no, it's too painful."
Dylan felt his tears rise to him from an unknown place. He perceived them and didn't want to stop them. Brenda kissed her. Gently. With measure. On his face.
From there he moved to her mouth and on her breast.
They loosened their pants. They stuck their hands in the cracks of that damn love. They fed the rifts. Hidden places penetrated, standing,. They made love.
And so, they greeted Brenda and Dylan, once again and again. Unpretentious, connected in the only possible level, beyond, unconditionally. They had the courage to laugh and smile about their lives. Time slowed down like an athlete's beat. And then he went out completely. Leaving them alone to make love. Maybe for the last time. Perhaps for a time that continues to this day.
Then she made a couple of phone calls. Dylan heard her in the kitchen, saying goodbye to everyone, apologizing for the rush.
The taxi was waiting outside. He accompanied her on the outing. Brenda didn't want them to go any further or it would be unbearable for her.
"Look at me well Dylan," she said, grabbing his eyes. "You are and remain the love of my life. I will never be too far away," she told him, then she slipped away on a rare rainy day in Los Angeles.