~•Sorrowful love•~ Namjin

42. First Love

Kim Namjoon
Pov

I was not ok.

I was dizzy, my head ached, my mind swirled, my heart was shattered, the room around me blurred, and in a few moments, I went from a completely sane, hopeful person, to an insane miserable one. I did not know anything that was happening around me, and all I could think of was how I showed my true colours once again to the person I loved.

The fact that I was a monster, was proved again.

No matter how much I try to be different, it all comes down to the point that I am a murderer who killed his own boyfriend, but most of all, I killed someone's reason to live.

I killed Kim Seokjin.

I killed my First Love.

Everything collapsed.

Only the memories are left.

I remember, when we first met. How he was so shy to even look at me in the eye. How he was so beautiful even when he was angry at me, how he pressed down his lips on mine willingly, and made me long for him desperately when he pulled away. I remember the way he looked endearingly when I talked to him, and whenever I caught him looking at me, he would go red in the cheeks and ears.

I remember how he looked, when he was lying beneath me, our bodies exposed to each other's, how his body was so beautiful, and I remember each and every curve of his that I traced with my hands, his thin arms, and his bony fingers, that held my hand, his soft skin that would brush against mine, making both of us blush.

I don't want to come out of my daydream, to the reality where my first love doesn't exist. But, to my dismay, my thoughts are disrupted by anxious footsteps, that -when look up- belong to Yoongi and Hoseok.

Both of them look like a wreck. With hair sticking out at weird angles, their eyes and faces are complete mess. I probably look the same now, but hoseok looks like a drowned rat, he looks like has been awakened from deep slumber, his eyes puffy and red, his nose showing the tiniest bit of pink.

He comes up to where I'm sitting, and pulls me into a hug. His arms might be smaller than mine, but that doesn't change the fact that I can feel his warmth against his chest.

"Are you ok?" That's all he says to me. Knowing that I killed his best friend, he asks me if I am ok.

I break down in his arms.

"Hyung- " I choke out from between my sobs.

<ps=(-) represents every time he sobs>

"I'm sorry. I- I'm so sorry- you lost- him because of me- I'm a murderer-"

"Oh Namjoon. Don't say that. No. Please. I know Jin was upset when he got into the accident but that was because he still thought you love him, which you do. I know it's hard for you to accept this. But he wouldn't want you to cry right now."

Hoseok spoke slowly through his tears.

His arms were still around me, like he just wanted to hold me and never let me go. Like I was something precious to him.

"I love him, hyung. Tell him to come back! He can't just leave! I need to tell him that the rumors aren't trien I need to see him! I want to see..."

I was breaking down completely. My heart was hammering against my chest and I wanted nothing more than to get Jin to come back. To just want all of this to be a prank.

For Seokjin to come back to me.

I wish I could've been able to tell him that I loved him. Him and only him. That there was no one else in my life other than him. That he had been the most precious part of my life, and that my heart beat only for him.

I wish I could've stopped all that was hurting him at that moment. I wish his mind had told him to just stop and listen to me. He could've just broken up with me. He could've stopped and throw curses at me, he could've just beat me up for feeling betrayed, he could've done anything...

Why did he have to die?