Bitter (wlw) (teacherxstudent)

sixty-one

Luckily, no other weird encounters happened that week. Sam and I were able to get through our last week of being professor and student, while I also did my best to prepare for all of the exams I was going to take in the next few weeks.

Not much was really going to change once Sam wasn't my professor, since I couldn't really start telling people in my course I was dating her, and we surely couldn't start acting as a couple on college's grounds, but maybe we'd be able to live our relationship with less fear of being discovered. We could finally just be two people in a relationship, without the extra detail we couldn't really ignore up 'till then.

I'd never really felt like our situation was that much of a burden to our relationship, but knowing we could be a bit more relaxed about everything did feel pretty good.

And I knew Sam felt the same, because although we'd never properly had a conversation about it, I seemed to understand that she sometimes wished we could ignore the limitations we inevitably had to face.

As for the exams, I was probably more anxious at the thought of having to study for them than at the actual studying. I realized that I'd been keeping up with lectures and readings enough for me to not need to desperately study all day the week before them, something that high-school me would have been shocked at.

I also found it pretty funny that my exam with Sam was on the exact day of our six month anniversary, just like my first exam with her was the day of our first month anniversary.

I still couldn't fully believe I was studying what I'd been dreaming of studying for years, something I truly had a passion for and wouldn't make me feel like I was being forced to do. And I felt really grateful that I was able to say that, remembering how scared I was of not being able to study what I wanted the previous year.

Thinking about it, that year had been a kind of important turning point in my life, under more than a point of view.

I moved to a new city, and not just any city but New York, where I'd dreamed of living since I was a little girl. The fact that I'd done that all alone was a pretty big deal for me, knowing that just a few years before my anxiety made it hard for me to even catch a train to a nearby city for a single day.

I'd met lots of new people and made new friends, and my main fear before moving was to not be able to socialize because of my introverted nature. It took me getting out of my comfort zone more times than I liked, but it was all worth it.

But maybe the change that made me more proud of myself was that I was finally allowed to live my sexuality openly and without any fear. I'd spent years thinking I was supposed to feel ashamed because of it, and convinced that it was something I'd always have to suppress if I didn't want any further problems in my life. Turns out that doing the opposite of that made life feel easier and better.

The people I met and the whole mindset of people in the city helped me understand that I wasn't supposed to treat my sexuality, whatever it was, since I was still confused about all of that, like an obstacle, but as something to celebrate. And I couldn't feel more grateful for that.

And not only I'd been able to live more freely, but I obviously also ended up with the best girlfriend one could ask for. I still had no idea on how that happened, I was just happy it did.

You could say I went from scared to always feeling so alone and condemned to spending all my life with some man I didn't want to be with in a town I didn't want to be in, to spending time with people who made me feel actually loved, and with an amazing girlfriend. Maybe life could be good, sometimes.

I was in an incredibly good mood for the whole week immediately after exams, also because of how well they went, and it would just get better as I'd planned to go to Vic for a few days.