Bitter (wlw) (teacherxstudent)

seventy-eight

(a/n: sorry for the slow updates, i have midterms coming up so i'll probably be updating just once a week for the next few weeks🥲)

"Hello mother, sorry for showing up unannounced but what you told me yesterday made me feel so shitty about myself that I went home, couldn't stop crying and then broke up with my girlfriend" was the first thing I said as I got into the house, my mom's face extremely confused. "And yes, I said girlfriend. But as I also said, I broke up with her so don't worry about that, I am not being influenced to sin by anyone anymore. I didn't know where to stay in New York because my apartment's in the same building as hers, so I came back here. But please, I'm begging you, just leave me alone. I'm gonna go to my room now, and both you and dad are gonna go on with your lives as if I wasn't here. That's what you've more or less been doing for the past twenty years anyway. Okay?"

"I honestly really don't care at this point" she just said, walking away.

"Good" I said, going to my room, locking the door and returning to the same position I'd been in the whole previous day.

I'd fucked up. I'd really fucked up. I instantly started to regret everything, but I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, it would have happened soon anyway. If I hadn't broken up with Sam, she would have realized being with me would make her life harder and she'd have broken up with me instead. I was sure of that.

I couldn't even get myself to think of the words "broke up" because it just sounded surreal. It didn't feel right. Even if I was the one who did it. I had to keep repeating that it was for the best to myself.

She'd been a fundamental part of my life for the past year, maybe the most important part, and I was going to have to learn to live without her. But it was for the best.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how often the thought of Sam being too good for me had crossed my mind in the past months of our relationship.

Thinking that she was most likely very sad in that exact moment made me feel even worse, but I knew that she'd eventually find someone better than me. And very easily too. There were probably lots of people who wished they were with her and could give her a better life.

We'd been happy in England, of course, but my mind started to think about every detail of the holiday and I realized I probably ruined more than one moment during it.

For example, Sam was happy to see her friends after a long time, and all I could think of was that I needed to make a good impression on them and started to ask for reassurance.

She was feeling nervous about seeing her parents after a while, and I once again only could think of wanting them to have a good impression of me. Which I obviously failed at, because they immediately noticed how much of an insecure and anxious mess of a person I was. And I was so naive to convince myself that what they said wasn't true. They were right after all.

I would never be able to give Sam the peaceful, stable life she deserved to have after everything she'd been through. I simply couldn't give her that.

The rest of the day was just as horrible, I barely moved from my bed and spent all my time crying and overanalyzing every time I'd probably ruined a moment with Sam because of my anxiety and didn't even realize. And I also couldn't help but wonder how Sam was doing, even if I already knew the answer. But she'd feel relieved that I left her soon, I was pretty sure.

Sam's pov

I never thought I'd see Ellie walking away right after telling me she was breaking up with me with tears in her eyes, yet there I was.

I just stood completely still in front of the door for a good ten minutes, not realizing what had just happened, hoping it was just a bad dream I'd wake up from.