Toddlers Until Teenagers

Chapter 23

I sniffle and look at the mirror of McDonald's bathroom. It's around 6 on a weekend and this branch is open.

My sweater is so wet that I shiver. I throw it off but it's no use, my shirt is wet too. My bag only has a pen, a small notebook, my phone and some toiletries. And a small almost finished perfume.

I sit limply on the toilet seat and look around. What can I do? I dig inside my bag and find something, something a bit sharp. I take it out and find a cut on my hand and a little small pocket knife which doesn't seem to have a cover. The cover must have fallen off last night when I was running!

I stare at my reflection, my bags under my eyes, my stained mascara. I try washing my face as I turn on the faucet, but only cold water appears to be running. I wipe my face and it helps the mascara a tiny bit but makes my shirt a bit black.

My uncombed hair and tired face only proves that I haven't slept and I have sat leaning against a wall. That wall is Evelyn's apartment door. But after five minutes she found out I was still inside and she told me to get out or else she would call the police.

I start sobbing at last nights events, they're so horrid and one night could actually change my whole life! My friends, my boyfriend, my shelter, my comfort. And as much as I need Alex right now he's not here.

As much as I need my mom now she's not here. As much as I need dina right now she's not here. As much as I need Amelia right now she's not here.

I need someone.

But they're not here.

So I've decided, what am I supposed to do? Weep all day? I guess. But then the blade in my hand and the small cut, makes me feel so good. Oh it makes me forget the whole wide world.

I need it, I need more of it, I need it!! I suddenly scrape the blade across my wrist and a bit of pain escaped my mouth but the rest was just relaxation. I completely am forgetting things right now and all I see is the blade and my wrist and my head challenging me to go more, to forget. To cut.

I haven't thought about cutting because my life has always been amazing. Yeah, I didn't used to have a boyfriend in Canada, I only had a couple but we broke up, nothing serious, but Ames and I had the best time of our life and I got good grades. And I was a good daughter who stood away from drugs and cutting and depression. And bars and clubs.

But that person was me. Now I'm another person, who lost so much. I can't let life take the best of me, I need to forget. I need to forget.

Blood rushes down my wrist and I quickly wipe it away, and after a couple of minutes it stops. I feel so good. I stop cutting and pull on my sweater as I hear footsteps towards this washroom.

I casually pretend to fix my hair and cover my arms, as a woman comes inside the bathroom. She sees me, but ignores me and continues to walk inside a stall. I exit the washroom.

Then suddenly I bump into a person I'd never want to bump into. Ben.

I walk back, but her grabs my other arm and takes me away. I let him take me to his car.

"Ben if someone sees use here were dead! Let me go, let me go!" I beg. His blue eyes blaze over me.

"We won't let anyone see, okay?" He soothingly tells me. I shake my head and struggle, trying to open the car door.

"Jenna, stop it! Just let me take you, let me make you safe!"

"No! I don't want to be safe, I don't want to suddenly make my life better because it can't be better, Ben!"