Endless Chronicle

Page V Chapter I: The Difference

More of my memories have come back. Seems like talking to a mother figure comes easy to me. I wonder why? This must be one of my instinctual memories from when I was with my own mother. There I go again, what even was my mother like? Has that memory even come back. Oh, where did that come from. I shake my head and the thoughts that still run around. I need a clear head for now. Damn, why is remembering giving me such a headache?

"Is everything alright Mr. James?" Barbra asks, her face expressing worry.

I place my hands on my thighs, I grasp at my knees and I assure her that I am fine. It doesn't seem to convince her enough due to my lack of eye contact, but it feel like eventually that feeling will pass and I will be able to look her in the eyes when we converse. It is too much for me at the moment and for now I will do what feels comfortable.

On the subject about comfortability, shifting my butt on the chair, I can not find the perfect placement on the seat. Which Barbra notices and follows up with asking if I am nervous? I manage to sit still long enough to respond, but it comes off too robotic and straight forward as I answer her with the word 'No'. It is only a second after when I notice how rude it may have seemed, so I follow it up with "I just can't seem to get comfortable despite sitting in a soft seat." Barbra suggest that she could find a better seat but I decline and tell her "It's not the chair, but me. I might not be comfortable with something, but without my memories I couldn't tell her what it is."

I can see that Barbra is surprised with the answer and she asks further questions, "It might help if you explain what you're feeling?"

Hands on face, I cry a little, "I don't know what I am feeling, that's the thing. I am constantly lost in thought while my emotions attack me from every side. I can't win." I say softly.

She responds kindly to me, "My gosh, I didn't know you were that upset and hurt by the disappearance of your memories. You may need a councillor, to speak to and get to understand yourself."

I feel my knee bounce up and down, wondering if my body knows more about my emotions than I do. I also think that I might have to pay attention to my body more often, since if I am right, then paying attention to my body could reveal my emotions to me. Even if it is only just nervousness, as displayed with my bouncing knee. Even after those thoughts, I still feel very confused. To the point of wanting to pull out my own hair.

The waiter comes to our table with our orders, "Here is your English breakfast and coffee sir. Here is your pancakes and coffee, mam."

Out of pure automation, I look at his clothes as he walks away - I take a sip out of my hot coffee - He wears a black hoodie, a white apron, a skeleton shirt and two bracelets on either arm. One of the bracelets is metal looking and covers his forearm, while the other is a leather band almost and covers only his wrist.

"You seem distracted. James, is there something on your mind?" Barbra intersects my thoughts with a question.

I respond after thinking about how I should tackle the question, "What wouldn't be on my mind. I am in a new place surrounded by no one related to me and no memories, just a bunch of unknown feelings that are driving crazy."

"That must be driving you crazy. Hey, if you want, you could come over to my home and sleep over. I really would make it easier for me to monitor you if anything else happens." Barbra suggests.