The Black Woman #Wattys2016

If it means something to you.

I go through so much on a regular basis and I'm tired. I'm tired of being insecure about myself because of people who don't and shouldn't even matter. I'm tired of comparing myself to women constantly because they're so gorgeous and tall and have long hair or are the stereotypical beautiful woman. I need to learn how to accept and love myself before I EVER try to love someone else. I'm starting to understand why love never worked for me in the beginning. Because I tried to love countless numbers of people without loving the one person that truly matters the most. Me. I left Aariyana and placed her far in the back of my mind trying to help and please other people. I think it's about time I put that same effort into her. She's the one that's been with me (aside from God) since the beginning of the beginning and she's the one that knows better than anybody what she's been through in her life. I told you guys that I would tell you about that crazy day I had someday, well, today is that day.

Recently, I was in a bad car accident while driving with my dad. I was driving and he was in the passenger's seat. My father and I have never really had that much of a relationship because he left when I was two years old. He left and didn't come back until I was around 8. In all of my 17 years, he was never really that much of a father. I found out at the age of 8 that I had another sibling, who I love to death. My older brother is my rock. He's the only other person, aside from myself, that has dealt with my father leaving the same exact way as I have.

A couple of days before the accident, I ended up breaking down at the lunch table in front of the people that i sit with. I didn't mean to cry, but I did. Because I have been holding everything in for as long as I remember and no matter how many people gave me advice, I still felt horrible on the inside. I basically told them how I was fed up with life. I didn't want to be the person I was anymore. I didn't even know myself anymore. It seemed like all of the bad people had perfect lives and then there were people like me who actually have to struggle for everything they want and need in life. I was ready to leave, y'all. I promise y'all I was. That Friday before the accident was when I broke down. I broke down again on the bus listening to life is worth living by Justin over and over again. My friend was sitting beside me and didn't even notice me crying. It was one of those "I've had enough" cries.

I was angry. I was bitter. I was hateful. I was a downright bitch because I was brought up the hard way and everybody else was just living on daisies and rose beds. I was stressed because I was wearing myself thin for everybody else.

The accident happened that Sunday. I was driving home from staying the weekend at a hotel with my dad, step mom, and step brother for my step mom's baby shower. I drove on the interstate and everything and did perfectly according to my dad. We got about five miles from my home and he was telling me how my mom tried to call him and I was being funny saying how she probably called me five times before she called him and I remember telling him to check my phone for me, which was in the compartment in front of his seat in the Jeep. I remember looking over for a split second and that was it. My dad screamed for me to hit the breaks but I couldn't find them.  When I could see again, all I saw was white, smoke, and everything was blurry because the airbag had hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off.

By the grace of God, Both of us got out of the truck without a scratch. When I got out, a guy from my school ran over to the truck and asked if everybody was ok and checked on us and helped out as much as he could. I will forever be grateful and respect him for that. My best friend since kindergarten also ran over with her sister and dad because the wreck was right in front of her house. I hit a light pole and then hit another parked car at the nursing home. The car just so happened to be my cousin's car. (Thought that was ironic lmao)

All I could do after that was sit on the ground and cry. For those of y'all who don't believe in him, that man is no joke. God has the power to show you EXACTLY who is God.

That day was a wake up call for not only me, but my dad as well. Our relationship is much better than it has ever been because of it and I'm so grateful to have my dad back. As for me, I'm learning. Slowly but surely I'm learning about myself and what I deserve. I deserve to love myself and treat myself with respect. Instead of focusing on everybody else all of the time, I'm going to focus on me and make me happy.

So when the final chapter of this is posted, I'm finished. I'm wiping my hands of all things negative in my life. I'm washing away everything and everybody that has ever hurt me in my life and I'm letting all of my fears go.  I'm determined to not let my past effect my present and my future. I'm going to wear my pain well.

Thank you all for always listening to me, even when you didn't know that you were. Finishing this book means a whole lot more to me than any of my other books for that reason. I am taking a well deserved break from everything in my life that has no purpose for me and doesn't make me happy.

I love you all so much ❤️ and remember, if it means something to you, go after it with everything you have in you.
-Ri

[the black woman's final chapters will be posted Friday and Monday.]