♤ ı [3] An Everlasting Love

ı 06 ı Make Belief

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"Took my soul and wiped it clean. Our love was made for movie screens."

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I COUNT my blinks, slowly and consecutively until I reach ten blinks, but the figure of James still stands in front of me across the bar. People are dancing all around me, around us but as I stare at the ghost of the man I loved before me, every thing seems to be holding still. It's as if everything has been frozen, and the only people that matter are him and me. Just the sight of him ignites a spark inside me that's been dead inside, rotting and smoking from the last time it was lit. .

I hold the drink in my hand and chug it down forgetting my streak of alcohol avoidance, and instead let the burning, bitter taste warm my body. As another waiter walks by I place the empty glass on his tray and then begin to walk towards James in long strides, through a group of people who seem to have suddenly moved to the side, creating the perfect pathway for me to get to James.

He holds a red plastic cup in his hand and a huge grin on his face showing off his perfect smile. Seeing his smile again outside of my dreams brings me to a place I thought I'd never see again. It feels as if I'm slowly being lifted out from the giant hole I've found myself in.

It seems like my feet can't move fast enough, as I keep my eyes on James with every step I take. When I reach him I don't even say a word, because frankly I can't think of a single damn word to say, and I don't think any words would be suitable right now. So instead I wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips firmly to his, letting myself go. As his lips move against mine it feels as if he's blowing the life back into me that he unintentionally sucked out a year and a half ago. I feel myself coming back to life, becoming whole again because the part of me that was missing is miraculously standing in front of me.

Then it hits me.

As my lips move against his, everything I remember about James smacks me right in the face, so hard I feel myself starting to crumble again. I remember his body, still and covered with grey veins. I saw his heart several feet from his body. I remember attending his funeral, and watching as they lowered his casket into the ground. I remember all the nights I spent crying myself to sleep, and slowly all the pain comes back in forcing me to think. The rush that I was engulfed with has abruptly left, and instead I'm left with pure clarity as I realize there's no way James can be standing in front of me right now. There's no way I can be kissing James again, because the James I knew is dead.

I gasp and take my lips off his, stepping back from James. I take a step back expecting to see James's comforting face, wanting him to assure me this is all real but of course I'm left disappointed. Instead I find a man who looks nothing like James, standing with his arms outstretched and a huge smile on his face, staring at me with wild eyes.

I've just kissed a stranger. I just chugged down a glass of alcohol without even thinking twice. The year and a half I spent trying to put myself back together again seems to have gone to waste, as now I feel like I'm right back where I started: lost and broken.

"I-I'm so sorry. I-I have to go," I stutter to the man, turning to walk away when suddenly he grabs ahold of my arm tightly, pulling me back.

He grips my arm with such tightness, my skin starts to throb and burn. Anger and disbelief bubbles up inside me as I turn around to face this man. "Excuse me sir, I would like to go now. This has all been a mistake," I say sternly, but apparently my words don't seem to get though his thick skull.