♤ ı [3] An Everlasting Love

ı 01 ı Ashes

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"We were fire and hope, now we're ashes and smoke"

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THERE COMES A   time when everyone experiences a state of depersonalization, where the events that occur around them become vague, almost dream like. It doesn't matter if it occurs for a few seconds, minutes, or frankly even days. The state of not knowing what or who to trust is an unsettling feeling, a feeling I fear I've become a slave to.

Everything's become so dream-like, as if it's supposed to be part of something bigger. Everything is scattered, and I'm struggling to fit all the pieces together. I start by focusing on one thing at a time, that one focal point being James who stands in front of me.

The smile that once flashed across his face has now been replaced by a deep frown, his whole expression changing from content to severe guilt in a matter of seconds, adding onto the feeling of confusion that this moment displays, resembling more and more like a dream.

I try once more to sort out the pieces, the only stable piece of information I'm able to make sense of being the warm salty tears that slide down my cheeks. The tears come from an overwhelming amount of emotion that I'm feeling right now. That and an excessive loss of sleep.

"Blair," James says hoarsely, his hazel blue eyes shining with tears. He speaks so lowly, so clearly that I find myself finding something else to hold onto, something else to assure me this is all real. "I'm so sorry," he says, walking slowly over to me where I kneel on the ground.

I choke on the sobs that crack through my chest, my shoulders shaking up and down as I try and picture his face through my blurry eyes. I haven't properly seen him yet, nor have I actually accepted the fact that he's really here. For all I know this is my mind playing tricks on me. For all I know this is nothing but a dream.

"So-rry- fo-or what?" I manage to get out through the violent sobs that have consumed me. As I struggle to form the words and control myself from letting the sobs control me letting awful sounds escape my lips, do I feel Joel's gentle touch on my shoulder giving me something else that is real to hold onto.

"It's Damon," James explains. His voice sends shivers down my spine, a feeling either out of relief of hearing his voice again or out of sadness form the words he is forming, I can't decide.

"What happened to him?" Stefan asks desperately, looking at James with wide and pleading eyes. No one seems phased by James standing in front of us, but I don't know if that's because of the situation or if this is some sort of mind trick.

"He was right beside me- we were going to go together when he pushed me into Bonnie," James gulps. "H-he said you needed me more than him," James says, staring down at me.

My breath catches in my throat at his words, the sudden realization that my brother is stuck on the other side. He chose to send James over first rather than himself, knowing that there was a chance he might not make it out. The one thing that I can't understand is why he would choose my happiness over Elena's.

"No," Elena cries in pure sadness. "Please tell me there's a way we can fix this," she pleads. "We can start the spell again!" 

"Elena," Bonnie says gently. "That was our only chance, and our witches are gone."

Elena lets out another cry before collapsing herself to the ground along side with me, both of us broken beyond belief. You would think that having James back would fix things, fix me, but deep down I don't believe he's here. He's a figment of my imagination. He's just another hallucination my weak mind has made up in order to cope with his death. He's dead, Damon is alive and I'm back in Atlanta where I should be, where I've been living the past two years. None of this is real.