Tracy

064:

064:

He caught his breath, aware of her astute leap in thought processes. Actually astounded she had caught it so easily.

"She-- she got pregnant. And the baby died. It died at only a few days old. The paternity test revealed it was mine."

Tracy shuddered, wishing she'd never asked, and his blunt reply, designed, she supposed to cover his own shuddering guilt, only served to make her tremble harder.

Richard swiped a dirty finger under his eye presumably to retrieve a bit of sawdust, but she had the impression he'd instantly become emotional with the topic.

"Where's the girl?"

"She's in college. She had a lot of therapy and whatnot when she was found."

"You didn't let her go?"

"No, we got caught. It was worse than if we'd let her go."

"Shawn went to jail?"

"Prison. Yes."

"And you? What happened to you?"

He hung his head, but plunged on, determined to give her full disclosure, not even understanding why now, or why her. He just felt compelled. "I did some time in juvvie. A lot of counseling later, I got out and went to college myself. Not a completely changed man. Just a very sick and twisted one."

"I don't think you're sick or twisted."

"Maybe not anymore, they say finding Jesus does that for you."

She swallowed audibly. "Do you--- keep in touch with her?"

"As if she'd ever want to see my face again? No. Not at all. Court ordered for life. But I pay for her schooling, I give the money to her parents, and she doesn't know it's me. In some small way, I try and make-up."

"I don't know how that would ease your conscious." She leaned out into the wind that was coming over the lake. It was dark now, almost too dark to see.

"It doesn't." He admitted, defensive that she'd condemned him so easily--- again.

"I didn't mean that bad this time. I was just putting myself in your shoes. Sorry if it came out any more judgmental than it already is." She rested her own cheek on her folded hands and knees and let the darkness surround her.

"No, I think the same thing. It's not fair that I got out and went to college and am now doing fairly well, doing what I enjoy, and getting a lot of accolades for it. It feels like a sacrilege that I am doing well, and she will probably never do well for her whole life."

Tracy put a hand on his arm. "Don't beat yourself up. I mean, it doesn't do any good. And you don't know that her life is ruined, changed perhaps, but hopefully, she's getting the help she needs. Do you pay for that too?"

"Yes." He admitted, and then took her fingers in his own. "I think you really are pregnant. I hope you are happy with it. That the timing is right for you."

"It is what it is." She shrugged, not indicating happiness or anxiety. She seemed numb.

He realized she was numb. All of it, everything she'd been through just since he'd known her was too much. And the numbness, in its own way, accounted for the fact that she couldn't get warm. She was cold, freezing inside and out.

"You've been through a lot recently, Trace. Why don't you let me take some of that burden?"

Her eyes slid to his again, numb.

"You can't."

It was going to hurt to say this, but he knew it had to be said. "I'm here for you, okay? Like a-- like a big brother who has been here before you. I'm here, okay?"

He personally witnessed the shiver before she nodded, bit her lips and went to corral Danny and go inside.

*****