Tracy

077:

078:

She sat in church, in the women's meeting holding her sleeping baby, trying hard to keep focused, but her eyelids drooped, her body relaxed and the sound of the teacher's voice soothed her soul.

It had been comical during the main meeting. Richard with Daniel on one end of the row, Jake and Monday between them and Tracy with the baby on the other end. Two new bodyguards stood in the halls, and it was obvious they were bodyguards. Tracy felt embarrassed.. She didn't speak to Richard at all, but every so often, her eyes strayed to him, and she found him studiously avoiding her as well. And the little traitor child in his arms stared at her coyly and said very softly, "Flippin' momma."

After sacrament meeting, she had told Jake to make sure she could get into her home in Laguna. No matter what has to be done, I am going home.

Afterwards, they'd parted company, she with a stilted thank you for coming to her rescue the day before, and he with a slight nod. He wanted to talk to her, explain and be reassured. But Tracy was having none of it. She steadfastly ignored him.

She arrived at her place later that day and unloaded the myriad belongings they'd accumulated back into her house, keeping the doors to the ferret's rooms closed so as not to remind her flippin' precocious child. It was safe to be home, with Jake and the other bodyguards patrolling the place and sleeping in their guard quarters. But it didn't quite feel like home now that somebody had broken in. Subtle signs showed the invasion had been complete.

By midnight she was exhausted by taking care of the kids and running lines and prep work for the film. She went to get a glass of water when the phone rang. She stared at it, like she would have a snake.

And she let it ring.

*****

She stood at the kitchen counter looking out over the dark ocean, remembering how that same ocean looked out Austin's window. The counter was the same, the big window overlooking the water. The sink was in the same place, and the counter to the right, facing the sliding glass door that led to the patio, all the same. That same bar overlooking the family room with the TV.... The same. Had she chosen this house because it reminded her of his? There was no bedroom on the other side of the family room at Austin's, no laundry area, and no bathroom either. It wasn't quite the same. But her eyes strayed to the counter. Today.... Still today, he had kissed her there on that counter.... Right there....

The phone rang again. She picked it up without answering it. The screen told her it was Richard. She set it down and continued to look out the window. It was after midnight now.

It stopped ringing and she relaxed again. There was a soft light on over her head... as there had been last night. But Austin's counter wasn't the same. Plants adorned the counter in brightly colored ceramic pots at Austin's. Cookbooks stood balanced between little ceramic elephants at Austin's. And on the wall behind the sink, beautiful tiles he'd collected around the world were fastened in intricate design. All of it spoke of time spent there.

In this house, she had spent her time across the family room, in Richard's room. She'd held his head while he threw up, soothed his brow while he shook uncontrollably, massaged his back, and the aching joints and muscles while the toxins took their toll. She'd sung to him, song after song. And not once, not one time had she felt like he took advantage of her. Not once had they crossed that line.

Oh, she knew he was attracted to her. He'd made no secret of it. But in all the time he'd known her, held her, talked to her, been there for her, he hadn't let it get out of hand. He'd let her dictate the terms, and he'd never changed the terms.

She had.

In her wild confusion. Her ridiculous indecision, her brazen attempt to keep two men in her life---- is that what she'd done? Really?

Regardless of whether or not she'd intended for that to happen--- had she given him reason to feel more?

She left the phone on the counter and went out to the patio. The breeze was warm this time of year, and the crashing of the surf was more soothing than ever. She thought about going in for a dip and then changed her mind. The kids were asleep, and might wake up and need her. Not to mention--- she felt the prickly sensation of being watched sometimes. It was a semi-private beach, but a person could easily walk down it without question and stare up at the well-lit house.

The phone rang again. Her heart beat faster. She reached for it, her hand shaking slightly then she drew back. It finally stopped. It was almost as if she could hear his voice saying pick up, please, just pick up!

Once before she had allowed a man to cross that line. A man she'd known all her life and not thought of as a man at all, but as a brother. One kiss. One kiss that had almost changed everything. But... the saving grace... she wasn't really attracted to Julian like that. She wanted him for a brother--- and in her mind--- which is where it all mattered anyway--- there was nothing else. One kiss. But they'd both agreed not to let it change them, and they both trusted that it wouldn't. It had never been repeated.

But Richard....

Was she an adulteress now?

She was married and had kissed another guy. Not onscreen either, but kissed him.... Really kissed him. Not a Hollywood peck, not an actor's kiss.

The phone rang again. Didn't it have some kind of ringer turn off switch? Couldn't she turn it off completely? She picked it up and stared at it. Once click and she'd hear his voice. What could they say? Let's go back to being friends?

Would that work?

No.

She didn't want to talk to him. She set the phone down and unplugged it from the wall. Extensions might ring in other rooms, but she made her way downstairs to the sound room and began playing her piano. To drown out his silent pleas.

*****