Tracy

090:

         

090:

Tracy curled on the couch, wrapped in blankets, with Melia in her arms and Megan on her lap. The TV was on softly. Background noise. Austin sat on the edge of one of the recliners and Julian the other. They were talking but she couldn't exactly make out their words. Bridget and her mother were in the kitchen with Coral and a woman from church. They were talking too. Talking-- talking... but she couldn't even make out one syllable.

Richard was on the floor, his back to her and his leg against hers where it had fallen out of the blanket. He kept touching her in an unobtrusive manner, she thought, to keep her diffused. He was playing with Danny, a little car game, on the lines in the carpet. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to Austin and Julian.

Her dad arrived a little while later. She got up to acknowledge him with a hug, and gave Shanna a kiss and Lorraine, her biological mother. They'd traveled together, and looked worn out. Right after them, as they were talking in the entry hall, and Tracy had gone back to the couch in the den to hold her babies, the doorbell announced another guest who had been let through security. This was General Thomas Colby, Raine's father for all intents and purposes. His Aunt and Uncle were on their way.

General Colby had been to the funeral home and was making all the funeral arrangements. Now he went to discuss these with the others.

Tracy curled back into the couch and Richard ran a palm up her ankle, still playing with Danny, and then let her go. His touch was reassuring. The one thing in her dark world that made any sense. She didn't talk. There was nothing to say, and for the most part, Bridget, who knew her moods, kept others from asking mundane questions, or giving platitudinal condolences, hollow and shapeless. She couldn't eat, and after a few attempts, no one had asked her about it anymore.

Danny....

Richard was the best thing for Danny.

Danny would look up from his playing and ask a question about his brother and Richard would answer him softly. Sometimes it was the same question. Sometimes it was about heaven, or about Raine, or about the fire, or about smoke. Richard never stopped answering softly. Not to put an image in Danny's mind that shouldn't be there, but to help him understand and to spare Tracy.

She tried to picture them in heaven. Was the spirit world really here? If so... were they here also, watching the proceedings? She thought she could hear his voice, "I will take care of Steven." But was that her own mind trying to comfort her? "Don't worry about Steven. He's with me." Was that Raine or The Savior? She shook her head as if to clear it, and stared once again at Danny's little cars and the carpet. Her eyes lost focus.

Her thoughts were raveled, tangled. She couldn't feel any evidence of a Savior right now. She'd done what she thought was right,what the church taught, and still this-- the greatest of losses. The most hateful of crimes, the weirdest of outcomes. God had spared Steven's life ten months ago—spared him from AIDS, spared him from RDS, and taken him just ten months later in a fire? Was that cruel? Cruel.... Cruel....

"If I'd turned back sooner...." She whispered, not knowing she'd said it out loud.

"What?" Richard leaned into her leg just slightly, no one else would even know he'd done it.

"I was inspired to turn back sooner. If only I'd listened." Her voice had a dreamlike quality, and he wasn't sure if she was talking to him or herself. He rubbed her ankle comfortingly. She wasn't wearing her normal moccasins. For obvious reasons. He shook himself, not wanting to think about that.

Her eyes were closed. "It's my fault."

Alarm bells seemed to go off in Richard's mind. He disentangled himself from Danny's toys and turned on his knees, leaning toward her, till his face was just inches away. "Open those pretty baby blues." He demanded firmly, his voice low enough only she would hear. Nevertheless, the rooms seemed to quiet instantly. "Listen to me." Her eyes opened. "This is not your fault."