Tracy

072:

         

072:

Finding time to be with Danny at a local park, Tracy pushed him on the swing, watching Monday and Jake surreptitiously at a picnic table, as the spring drizzle sprayed them now and then. Clouds covered the sun, and old leaves littered the ground, the sand beneath her moccasins was cold.

They were waiting for that crucial moment when she made the disclosure to Danny, and told him his Daddy was dead. Richard had suggested she pray about what to say, and awkwardly she agreed, feeling that his conversion and newfound spirituality had suddenly surpassed hers. He'd stayed at the hospital with Steven in her absence, although he desperately felt he should be with her.

With one touch just moments ago, he had pulled blue sparks through her body to his and out, feeling the tension leave them both. And he'd held her hand, looking into her uncomprehending eyes, knowing she was handling and processing more in her short twenty years than he'd ever handled. Life changing events. Not of her own making.

Tracy didn't dwell on her contact with Richard, she couldn't. It was too confusing, too condemning, and too much to admit, or allow herself to make decisions about. It was easier to accept what was, and leave it at that.

Finally, feeling that she'd been gone long enough from Steven, she pulled the swing around in a squeal eliciting arc and gobbled Danny up in her arms. "Go for a walk with Momma?"

"A walk?" He was talking so good now.

She'd chosen this park near a cemetery on purpose. So, she now walked through the wrought iron gates, through the slippery wet grass, and the dried and glistening leaves. And she started talking about death.

Danny was fascinated, grasping concepts so quickly, being uncharacteristically subdued as if he sensed that this wasn't just any walk. He listened, he nodded, he played with the leaves, and the flowers people had put on their loved ones graves.

"So, honey, when we get home, with your new baby brother, we can go see Daddy's grave like this one. Okay?" She knelt in front of him and held his hand, now gripping fake pink roses, faded from being left too long. Her eyes filled with tears and she wiped at them. Danny stared at her, his blue eyes shining with her tears, making him sniffle too.

"Can we bring flowers?"

Tracy nodded, her hand holding Danny's shoulder, her other covering her mouth, She stared up at the sky, pleading with God for help.

"Is my Daddy in a grave?"

"No, your Daddy is with Heavenly Father, and when the spirit leaves the body, his body.... It goes to be with Heavenly Father, and then we put the leftover body in the graves." She pulled him close and held both arms still, looking into his eyes. She'd said it badly, she'd said it strangely, like she didn't quite know how to say this to a three year old.

"Why are you crying momma?"

"Because even though I know Daddy is happy with Heavenly Father, I am going to miss him for a while, till we can see him again."

"When can we see him again?" Danny wiped at her tears, hopefully, his sweet little lips trembling because hers were and he didn't understand.

She closed her eyes, and shook her head slowly, trying not to let out her sobs. This was the hardest thing she had ever done, and she wasn't sure she could continue. The pain wrapped around her too hard, it choked and sputtered and gargled in her throat, and her mind, and she felt like she was drowning in it. She pulled Danny close, melted him into her arms and then stood and held him tightly.

"We can't, baby, not for a long, long time. But momma is here, and I love you, and I'm not ever going to let you go." She rocked him, swayed, hugged him tightly, as his little arms clenched around her neck.

"I want to see my daddy." Danny said. "Can we go see him now?"

Tracy felt the thick wedge of tears stick in her throat, clogging. Her body trembled, her eyes squeezed shut and she rocked Danny back and forth, unable to talk.

"I want to see my daddy!" Danny said insistently, now pushing against her, as she shook her head. Her hair tangled as Danny pulled it, to look into her eyes. "Momma! I want to see my daddy!" His little voice rose as he saw her denial in her eyes and the tears still leaking out, the reddened cheeks, the way she shook back and forth.

Tracy looked over his shoulder at Jake coming across the grass, matter-of-factly, his powerful stance a comfort to her, as she nearly crumpled beneath the onslaught of fresh pain.

"I want my Daddy!"

"Come here, little man." Jake gently disentangled Danny from Tracy's death grip. Danny hit Jake in the neck, his little fists clenched as he reached once again for Tracy, who started to take him back and then clenched her fists into her eyes, and choked on her sobs.

She could hear Danny's insistent cries as if through a haze, as Jake stood there, not taking him away, knowing that would be anathema to his mother, who really needed him, but whose own exhaustion and heart-wrenching pain were wearing her down. He put one arm around her, as she straightened, stifling her sobs.

"Little man, daddy's in heaven now, and all we get to see are pictures of him. He's gone away where only God knows he is. You knew daddy was very sick, he told you so, and you told me, remember?"

Now Danny stopped hitting and screaming and leaned back to look into Jake's compassionate eyes. He nodded. "Momma, daddy told me he was very sick."

She nodded, her eyes sparkling in the gray mist, as she gazed up at him in Jake's tender embrace. "Yes. He w-was very, very sick."

"And Jolie is sick too, and she had to have her baby." His words were childish and almost indiscernible, but she caught them, as only a mother can.

"She had her baby, Danny, remember? Little brother Steven is in the hospital." She smiled her first real smile in several days. "Momma brought you a present from him. You want to go to the car and I'll get it?"

Danny squirmed to get down, his tears forgotten, and Tracy shivered at the resilience of children, her heart throbbing in overwhelming sadness. Jake took her hand and laced the fingers in an uncharacteristic move, but one which was so comforting she didn't know what to say as she leaned against him for support, and they walked back to the car to get the I'm the big Brother t-shirt and the teddy bear she'd brought, to help ease the transition. But nothing she could do would ever take away the pain of losing his dad.

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