The Day She Let Go | ✔️

• to change •

It was the weekend and Alyssa was glad for it. She felt worn out from the sudden changed in her life and was glad for a breather from it all.

Unfortunately, the weekend meant a visit to the place that she hates the most yet still ended up returning to twice a month.

She sat back in the old, teal chair beside her mother who was clutching her hand familiarly. Her consultant Dr Nouri sat on the other side of the desk, clicking at the computer.

Alyssa knew the drill of the meeting.

Small talk.
The results.
The comfort talk.
The exit.

It had been repeating so many times that she pretty much knew what was going to happen at the back of her hand.

Except this time, it didn't follow the usual routine.

No small talk, Alyssa noted mentally whilst carefully observing the doctors movements. She intently inspected her long black hair and the soft wrinkles encasing her face.

Her mum seemed to notice it too for she clutched her hand tighter.

The doctor looked at her.

Alyssa felt indifferent as she explained to her how her conditions have got worse than originally expected. They had thought that she would have a year or two but it looked as if her chances were even less. Dr Nouri said the usually apology as anyone would say although she was pretty sure that it was rehearsed. After all, it was her job.

Her mother burst into tears as she had expected yet what startled Alyssa was that she didn't feel her calm self.

Alyssa didn't feel emotionless like she always had done. She didn't feel indifferent.

Alyssa couldn't bring herself to accept it all like she always had done.

And it frightened her.

Alyssa bottled her emotions until she was back in the car, the music drowning out her mothers voice. Her heart beat was quicker than the pulse of the music as the reality dawned on her.

Time was ticking.

She squeezed her eyes shut as she thought about all that she would miss in future. But Alyssa had always known that she was going to miss all that. That was why she had decided to enjoy the time she had left. She had decided that 8 years ago.

Yet she wasn't. Alyssa knew that no matter how hard she tried, she wasn't enjoying the minutes she had left. She wasn't making the most out of it.

She felt as if she wasn't Alyssa.

She started out the window as the leaves falling away from their trees.

She was beginning to wish that she was the old Alyssa.

The Alyssa from before the body began fighting against her.

She craved to be back into her confident self at least one time before she turned her back forever. She didn't want to be her feeble current self.

Once she absentmindedly entered her room, the list of 100 things to do in her eight year old writing laughed at her. The final three boxes rustled against the notice board, shivering from the wind following out the open window.

Alyssa began feeling more desperate than ever to complete them. The yearning inside her was reaching a peak.

The thing that tortured her the most was how she knew what was holding her back. She knew why she wasn't able to complete them. It was as if she kept climbing at a wall when there was a ladder beside her. She knew what she needed to do for them to get over but was afraid to take the first step.

Alyssa knew that she needed to change back into her old self to tick the empty boxes. She wanted to.

As a tear escaped from her eyes, Alyssa made the hard decision to shred her meek self and become someone new. She decided that in the little time left, she was going to change for the better.

She was going to laugh more, smile more, be more impulsive and not care about the consequences. She was going to return to her sarcastic old self that she loved. She was going to change.

So Alyssa did.