What The Heart Wants

If You Only Knew

Ashlyn and Ali talked a little bit on Tuesday about their current state of affairs. It was pleasant if not overly productive as both were hiding the reasons for their defensiveness. The issue of Ali's being unprotected last Monday and then asked aboard by the Hearts on Thursday evening came up, with Ash understanding that the club was planning to take her anyhow, whether it be through using their first pick early or by using their second one the day of the draft. The two made more headway on Wednesday, getting through some of the logistical issues that would come in the future once Ali was in Philadelphia full-time, but they still avoided talking about the elephants in the room. On Thursday morning, knowing that she could no longer duck the problem that her club and national teammate had become, Ashlyn opened up to Ali about it, hoping it would help the two of them reconcile and get past the ultimatum she made before leaving for New Orleans 10 days prior.

Ashlyn: Alex, we really need to talk. What I'm going to say won't be easy, but I can't deny my neediness from you isn't a result of this.

Ali: Do you want to talk here, or go elsewhere?

Ashlyn: I think this is good. No distractions or wandering ears from the illegitimate press.

Ali: Go ahead. I'm all ears.

Ashlyn: I take it some middle women have been involved since we started fighting, so let's first clear the air on that and then I'll get into what I have to say. Alyssa and I talked when I got to camp last Sunday and she brought up a good point, that maybe *I'm* the one who is having the commitment problem and not you.

Ali: She told me that when she called later that night, about the problem possibly being you and not me. I've talked to a couple of my bestie gems and they were both fairly supportive. Seeing them as well a couple of weeks ago did me a lot of good, too. The move to Philly, as you know, isn't about trying to run from you, but making the most of what could have been a bad situation.

Ashlyn: Right. Carm wanted you BADLY once she saw you weren't on Orlando's list and it was either do like I did and get in right away, or let someone else get that spot but still end up there anyhow.

Ali: We haven't talked about what happened on Sunday, and that would probably be another good topic to square away.

Ashlyn: True, and that will segue into what I have to say about us as a whole. When I saw how the Courage fans went after Sam and Abby right from the pre-game introductions and through the first half, I guess I was glad that you weren't there. The couple of comments that were directed at me were fairly tame compared to what the other two had been accused of. I understand a bit now why you're hesitant to come out, because taking the kind of abuse we did on Sunday on a daily basis would be torture for you.

Ali: Can I ask what some of the comments were?

Ashlyn: A lot of it was at Sam because: 1) she's vice-captain of the Courage, and 2) her sister and best friend are in a committed relationship. Someone accused her of being duped by the two of them, or seduced by Steph in order to get to Kristie, or that Steph and Abby existed to cover up the fact that Sam and Kristie actually were having an incestuous relationship. It was disgusting and I wish I had done more in the first 45 to try and take some of the heat off them.

Ali: Is that why they were pulled early in the second half?

Ashlyn: Yes. They wanted out at half, but Sam said that the bastards would win if they didn't get back on the field. They went directly to the locker rooms after being subbed and onto the bus while the match was concluding to possibly stay clear of more harassment. I felt that I could play on since I'd be at the opposite end of the field from the numpties and could probably tune them out. When we got the PK, I felt that I HAD to take it to hopefully shut them up. You saw the rest on TV, I'm guessing.

Ali: Yes. Not your finest moment, and it wouldn't have been red if you hadn't gotten the yellow in the first half for your knee in the Korean player's back. I am, though, proud of you for standing up for yourself, your teammates, and indirectly me.

Ali leaned over and placed a kiss on Ashlyn's cheek.

Ashlyn: Now, onto the bigger thing. I'm having problems being around one of our teammates recently, well former teammate for you. We've been friends for a while, but lately it's like she wants more than that, even though she knows I'm with you. That's why I had gotten pushy, because if it were out there that we were together, maybe she backs off or is taken to task by other members of the Pride.

Ali: I see......I guess I should also explain my defensiveness. I told both Alyssa and Erin this, because they've known me long enough to remember what I was like before you and I met and started our relationship. Life isn't always certain, so one can't live as though what is will always be. I am comfortable with who I am and where I am sexually, but I can't put into words what that actually is. It's more likely that I'm bisexual as opposed to being a lesbian, but saying so creates a problem for me because it would take the awkward moments we already have with fans and well-wishers and just add more complexity to them through the addition of male attention.

Ashlyn: Why hadn't you told me that before?

Ali: I was afraid that if I revealed that I wasn't fully gay, that you'd get upset and perhaps leave.

Ashlyn: Alex, I love you. This revelation doesn't change that. It does complicate things a little, but my own situation with Baby Horse complicates things a little as well.

Ali: I figured it was her that was making you nervous. Frankly, I think her marriage to Serv is all window-dressing at this point. If she could find a good relationship with a teammate or former teammate, she'd take it and leave him behind.

Ashlyn: So you're not mad? She DID try to come onto me a couple of times during camp, you should know.

Ali: You didn't respond, I hope.

Ashlyn: I didn't, but the temptation was quite high, and I felt as though I was hurting her feelings by keeping my guard up around her.

Ali: Deep down, REALLY deep down, how do you feel about Alex?

Ashlyn: I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention. As for feelings, I'll admit that the thought of "oh my God, that's a hot woman and she seems into me and I'd like to find out what makes her tick" has crossed my mind. Whether that's just lust or there's more to it, I don't know right now.

Ali: That's fair, and thank you for being honest about it.

Ashlyn: Do you think we should just sit on this for a bit? You're busy with the new club, I'll probably be called in for the Canada friendlies, although with the suspension for the first match, it might be a waste for Jill to bring me in. It could be three weeks or more before we're both back here and can take this back up.

Ali: If you promise to stay out of trouble while I'm gone, and I promise I'll do the same, then we can re-visit it after we get past this hectic part in our schedules.

Ashlyn walked over to Ali and wrapped her arm around her shoulders. Ali lied her head against Ashlyn's stomach, then looked up at her and they exchanged a kiss, as if to say, "Sorry we've both been idiots. I forgive you and hope you do me."