I'll Find You

Gravity

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
----Gravity, John Mayer

December 27, 2017

Grayson winced as he stepped into the cold tub.  First practice after break always sucked and he knew he'd be a bit sore tomorrow.  This unpleasant half an hour would help.  And it matched his mood. 

He'd left Cait in Colorado yesterday.  And he'd spent the flight back to Durham doing some soul searching.  Coming back here was like returning to earth. 

He loved her.  He knew that.  And he didn't want to be without her.  But sometimes it was tough to be with her, too.  And while he didn't doubt his feelings for her, he wondered whether the two of them shared the same picture of the future.

The money still bothered him.  And their differences felt huge all of a sudden.  She was so much more outgoing than he was, so much more comfortable in social situations, in her own skin.  She was like Luke that way.  He was working on it, but he had a feeling he'd never be at ease the way she was.

When they were alone together, he still craved her touch, her soft mouth under his.  And he knew she really understood him, related to him.  Knew that she was one of the few people that could get him to open up.  He knew she worried about him, the same way he worried about her.  It was everything, and everyone, else that was was bothering him.

His parents had been a bit in awe of Cait's home, of her lifestyle.  But they seemed to have adjusted.  And he'd appreciated the things that Jack had said to him on Christmas Eve.  Neither Cait nor her father had ever made him feel that he wasn't good enough for her.  They'd done exactly the opposite, in fact.

He knew that the gifts she gave him were given from the heart.  She was simply generous and had the means to be extremely so.  And she loved him.  Grayson didn't doubt that for a second.

So why was he so unsettled?  He loved her, loved being with her, loved making love with her.  He wanted her with him.  But what would that bring?  Would she want to buy a big house and fill it with expensive things?  Would she want to throw parties and invite lots of people that would make him uncomfortable again?

He was thinking too much, was too much in his own head.  He recognized that.  He needed to stop obsessing and just relax.  Cait wouldn't ever want him to be uncomfortable.  She wouldn't ever want him to feel inferior. 

He'd see her again in a few days.  She was coming to Durham for a little bit before she left for Austria. She needed to meet with her advisor and her professors. And it would probably be the last time he saw her before the Olympics. 

When they were in Durham, in that small house of hers, in their bed, everything was always fine.  Better than fine. This time wouldn't be any different.

December 29, 2017

Cait waited impatiently for the plane to taxi across the runway.  She was getting in late, had skied today.  But Grayson had a game at 2:00 p.m. tomorrow and she hadn't wanted to wait until morning to fly in.  She'd told him to leave her car at the airport and get some rest, so she knew he wouldn't be waiting for her. 

There had been a strange vibe between them since Christmas.  She wasn't sure what was going on but it worried her.  She was going to have to leave soon, probably for almost two months.  And she was concerned.  Grayson would have a lot going on.  She knew he was feeling the pressure of the season, even though he'd said he was going to focus on the team, he was clearly worried about the future.  But there seemed to be something else going on.  Something he hadn't told her about.