Love Yourself: Little Azalea's Story

Chapter 34

*****Azalea's Point of View*****
I woke up extra early unable to go back to bed. Thomas had put me to bed in my own bed after giving me a bath last night. I passed out like a light. My alarm said 6:17am. Thomas wouldn't be coming get me up until 7:30am. Him being in the pediatrics unit now he didn't have to go in to work until 9. It was a lot different than when he used to have to be in by 6am or 7am.

I really wanted to be big today. I loved living with Thomas and being his little and everything about my new life. Yet, I wanted some independence too.

I laid in bed and considered that I only had 4 more days--the rest of today and then till Friday--before Thomas would ask me if I wanted to stay with him. I knew I did, but apart of me also needed to go back to my own life for a bit and make sure. Nothing long, just for like 3 days. Just to make sure.

I was afraid to tell Thomas. Afraid of hurting him, or him being mad and deciding he wouldn't want me back if I left. I knew I needed to talk to him about it. The anxiety was killing me. I so badly wanted to be little, but I resisted. I needed to be big to get through this. Maybe I would talk to him tonight.

The clock read 6:45. Still too much time left. I decided I would get dressed and go eat breakfast. I went to my closet and got some clothes that I hadn't worn in awhile. A plain t-shirt to go under my zipper hoodie and a pair of jeans. Very unlittle like. I went into the bathroom and brushed my hair, throwing it in a messy bun. I even decided I would apply a little makeup around my eyes.

I then quietly left my room and went downstaires. I grabbed some cereal and a banana. I went into the living room and clicked on the tv lowly. I heard Thomas getting into the shower so knew I had about 25 more minutes of alone time before he came looking for me.

I was curious how he would react. While I wasn't always in my headspace, I was generally little and waited for him to come get me since moving in. I wondered if he would be mad I was being big right now.

My show was almost finished when I heard Thomas open his door. My door was left open so I knew he knew something was up.

"Aza?" He called out, a little worry and confusion in his voice

Ahh my poor daddy.

"I'm down here!" I hollered. I just finished my cereal and walked the bowl to the kitchen.

Thomas was downstairs when I got back to the living room. He took one look at me and knew I wasn't little at all.

"Good morning love" he said coming to give me a kiss, "you scared me when I saw your door open. What are you doing up so early, normally I have to pry you out if bed with a crow bar." He pulled me into his chest and gave me a big hug.

It felt great. I eagerly kissed him back too.

"I woke up and couldn't sleep. I decided I wanted to big and do some stuff for myself too. I hope you're not mad" I said the last part as a whisper getting scared

"Of course not baby. You just scared me a little when I saw your door open. Little Aza up and wandering around the house might turn into a tornado of trouble" he said teasing me.

"Well this leaves us extra time. Wanna talk about anything?" He said pulling me to the couch.

It amazed me how he always seemed to know what was going on with me. Like when I needed to talk he could sense it.

I took a deep breath it would take a lot for me to say what I needed to say.

"I was hoping I could stay home alone today. I was going to talk to you about this tonight, but I guess now is good." I couldn't look into his eyes. I was afraid I would hurt him by what I said next.

Another deep breath.

"I love you and love living this lifestyle with you, but a part if me needs to go back to my old world for a few days. I know I have a few days left to decide, but I know what I want. Which is you. I just need to go back for a few days just so that part of me knows we're done with that life." I still couldn't look at his face. He didn't say anything for the longest time.

"I'm sorry I hurt you daddy" I said in a whisper.

"Baby girl look at me. You didn't hurt me. It just surprised me. I needed a moment to process everything. Do I like the idea if you being away from me even for just a couple days? Absolutely not. I wish you wouldnt do it. I want to talk you out of it, but I can understand why you want to. So I won't. Are you sure you'll be okay though?"

I finally looked at him. He might have said I didn't hurt him but I could see I did. I loved him even more for understanding though.

"I'll be okay. I'm sure it's something I have to do."

He nodded slowly.

"Alright baby. Do you want me to take you there after work then? I can help you gather some stuff up you might need and take you there."

"Yes please daddy" I said softly.

"Then we will baby. We need to get going though or I'll be late for work. I'm glad you felt safe enough to come talk to me about what was bothering you. Now do you want to stay here today or go to Amaries?"

"I want to stay here today."

"Alright baby. Call me if you need me. I'll drop everything and come straight back I promise. I love you baby" he said giving me a deep sensual kiss. I never wanted to quit kissing him, but unfortunately he broke it off too soon.

"I gotta get to work sweetie. I love you have a good day."

"I love you too."

With that he went out the door. I felt weird. I didn't know what to do so I decided to go to my room. It needed cleaned. I put on music and cleaned.

It felt good being big and doing stuff for myself again, not as good as being little. But I think everyone needed to do stuff for themselves every now and then. The two were also different feelings that made different parts of me feel different things.

I finished putting my stuff away then I dusted and vacuumed. Next I tackled my bathroom.

Cleaning was one way I used to handle being anxious. When I clean I can just focus on the task and I know I'm doing something useful instead of just worrying.

I also liked knowing I would be saving Thomas from doing one less thing. He was still always so tired from working so much.

I decided I would clean Thomas's bathroom for him next. I didn't feel right cleaning his room, and going through his stuff. Plus I didn't know where most if it went, but I felt the bathroom was safe enough to clean.

After cleaning his bathroom I realized how tired I was. I felt that I should eat something, but his bed looked too comfy. I wanted to soak up as much of his smell as possible.

I cuddled up in his blankets, clicked on the tv to watch Netflix, and fell asleep halfway through a show.