Biology

Be brave

She had to admit seeing Elliot, chatting about the old times the hospital she hadn't been able to shift it from her mind like she trained herself to do normally.
Five years was such a long time and she was such a different person now she wasn't even sure there was a way back and if she even wanted it.
But she couldn't deny the thoughts of the past plagued her mind, it would be different now if she had left and had something show for it. But she lost her baby, lost her career and lost herself all in one go.

"Connie You Okay" He asked gently as he watched her she lay facing him her expression one of  deep thought.
"Hmm What Sorry" she shook herself looking up at him, and his contagious grin.
"You Okay?" He repeated.
"Yeah just thinking, about the old days who I used to be"she sighed.
He felt the mood shift to something more vulnerable and somber, "you can talk to me about if you want. I know you don't like to but maybe it would help to share it" he offered his voice soft and full of compassion.

"I try to forget it's the best and worst part of my life, and I know I can't change it" she looked at his dark orbs staring at her intently and something forced her to continue.

"I loved my job I was jetting all over the world before I settled at Holby. I didn't have an easy childhood mum was always ill and dad always absent and it was just me. So I learnt to be strong to look after myself, and it didn't do me any harm I guess. I became career driven and didn't have time or room for anyone else.
I was the best in my field trialing new techniques on life saving operations and transplants and I loved it. It consumed my life and I let it, I liked to keep things causal with my relationships not commit and with my job that suited me fine.

That was until I met Sam, he was my registrar Arrogant from the beginning but well connected. We had a brief fling and that was fine but a few years later after he had left, he returned from America the new Medical Director. He was a total arse but it was if the familiarity was still there, I didn't plan it or want it necessarily but we started things up again. A secret fling built on secrecy and excitement and never anything more. It was fine for a while but he wanted more and I didn't, i was happy on my own. Anyway things ended badly, causing lots of issues at work and it effected my reputation and I couldn't stand that. People gossiping about me and he so happily sharing the gory details it was humiliating.
So I broke it off completely and humiliated him in the process, which didn't go down well. We were constantly at each other's throats we lost all sight of professionalism it was toxic.
Then I found out he was married in America and failed to mention it to me, not that we were serious but a valuable piece of information he had deliberately hidden and it hurt.

She sighed looking out the window for a distraction, "He always was selfish of course she didn't know about me and he didn't know I was pregnant". She paused swallowing the lump that was traveling up her throat at the thought of it, the image of his face imprinted across the forefront of her brain like it was on fire.
Her eyes drew to Jacob as his hand stroked her arm, but she forced them away from Jacob and across the room to the window, as she forced herself to continue, it felt so raw after all this time, she'd never let it in.

She had tried for so long to Shut it out and to move on, but she'd never been able to deal with it, and she hadn't admitted that openly to anyone.
She felt his eyes on her as she shifted uncomfortably suddenly feeling totally overwhelmed and out of control, "oh Connie, that sounds awful" he began to in a vain attempt to comfort her.
She shook her head, "no don't be nice to me" she sighed trying to hold back the cascade of tears that threatened to consume her. For so long she had held this, so long she had been running from this not sharing it with anyone she felt like one push and she would shatter.

"He found out and well he had dirt on me, I'd behaved inappropriately to get some funding passed through and he was going to ruin any further projects I had going, his condition was I got rid of it.
I contemplated it I did, a baby hadn't fitted with my lifestyle then, my plans my goals but I couldn't. I couldn't go through with it, I let him believe I had until it was to obvious to hide.
He told me to leave Holby to leave the hospital and to never contact him again, or he would ruin my career. He would destroy my life's reputation and work with what he knew. He set up a job in Dubai for me and I let him push me and push me until I agreed. At least then I could still work, still hold on to what I had worked for hard for.

I don't even know why I let him blackmail me, I'm sure I could have fought off his threats his slander but I felt so vulnerable so humiliated, I decided I didn't want to work with him see him everyday. And I wanted him to have no part in my baby's life, so I left the hospital and I left Holby". She paused the tears now trickling down her face she felt his hand move to comfort her. She shook her head violently, "dont or I won't be able to tell you" she sobbed.

She took a moment to gather her thoughts, "I reached 26weeks and I started to bleed, I lost him. A little boy I named him Arthur 3 pounds 1. He was so small but so perfect ten toes, ten fingers but utterly lifeless, I pt broke my heart and I found I was alone again and for the first time in my life it wasn't through choice.
I had turned my back on Sam and the hospital for this baby I no longer had either, I was broken.

She let herself fall into his embrace as he held her, the warm comfort of his chest soothing her, as she exhaled is calming scent. She let the tears slowly stop moving away, she felt embarrassed she was never like this. She moved to sit at the base of the bed, her gaze reluctantly meeting his to see his utter pity for her.

The sobs wracked over her body as she brought her knees higher tucking her head above them, "I lost myself I lost my drive,my desire to succeed and the fight I had before him, I came back here 2 years ago. I found it hard but it's what i know and for the bad memories or not, it's where I feel is home.
I couldn't face working, I couldn't face people asking questions or knowing or seeing him again and so I decided on the safer option, teaching.
It was a softer calmer side to life than I was used to but instead of standing out ,Now i was just desperate to blend in. To bury the pain and the past and try to follow a different path instead.
But teaching, this isn't me, it's not how I was -it's not made me happy.
I still felt useless and lonely like I'd lost my purpose, and then we met and it's like you ignited a spark that I'd forgotten existed.
You make me laugh, you make me feel bright, I have moments where I feel like the old me full of life and fight and I couldn't help wonder if maybe it wasn't too late for me.

Being back at the hospital I was terrified that I would be haunted by ghosts but I didn't have time to worry about that, looking after you. The more I spent time there the more I wondered why I had so easily given it all up. Why I hadn't fought harder, why hadn't I returned sooner. Seeing Elliot it's just made me think more, I want more for myself I want some of the old me back.
It's just if I'm brave enough to actually contemplate how I could achieve that, but for the first time in years I feel strong and it terrifies me" she confessed moving her eyes to meet his once again.
"Why" he smiled moving his hand to link into hers, "because your the reason" she smiled wiping the tear from her lip, watching his soft innocent smile gleam across his face at her words.
"Don't be scared, be brave Connie, we can do it together" he smiled moving closer as she nodded gently and he claimed her lips.