i need to write a fluffy gay oneshot rn but idk. someone give me a fucking prompt. also, someone's lecturing me about suicide rn on a gc and uhhh idk how to respond. it's way too serious for me to just barge in and crack a casual suicide joke whoops.
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DAY XX - YOUR FEARS
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... hon hon titty croissant
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√ firstly, i am not certain if providing an answer to this query is safe at all. although, i can guarantee you, that one of my biggest fears is to be feared by people i simply want to understand me. i'm aware it must be contradicting my earlier statements about wanting certain people to "fear me", but dude, it's only for certain people ok. i mean, i want people to be afraid of me in a way that makes them submissive enough or makes them shut up when my mood radiates it, but i don't want to be feared in a way that repulses everyone away from my being. like, if i issue an order, i want them to follow it out of discreet fear, but do it out of their own will, out of the sense that they think it's for the best. i want people to fear me, in the way that makes them think for themselves, in a way that makes them see the purpose of my rage. i want people to fear me, in a sense that they would foresee the consequences if they wouldn't be able to follow my logic. i want the fear that comes after a sense of realization, not the kind of fear that washes over you as you stand infront of a fucking mindless monster whose rage can bring down a whole fucking classroom (which, unfortunately, is how everyone sees me). that's just how simple it is, although, it might be a little blurry on the explanation.
i actually originally thought i had more to write, but as i ran over them in my mind, i realized that i am literally uncaring about those things anymore. for instance, i once could say, without a second thought, that i yearned for death because i fear it so. but now that i think about it, i'm just neutral about already. although, there is one other thing i can't get off my mind:
it's loss. not the whole meme thing about loss, it's the literal "not winning" thing. it's not just in matches or games, it's in life itself. there's just this certain feeling i identify as "losing" when faced by a certain fist in life. i dunno, it's odd. i can't quite explain. it's just a gut feeling. a feeling that wrenches the shit out of me while giving me those unexpected headaches and claustrophobic moments even though i'm out in the open. it just cones randomly, but i know it's a herald to bring to me the news that i have lost a gamble, although, i wouldn't know what the stakes would be until 3 weeks later. it's that. i fear this kind of loss; the loss that leaves me blind and grappling for support in the darkness. i would much rather side with the kind that lets you in on the wagers from the very beginning, and not the unexpected loss that deals heavy blows when i was so confident on winning.
i'm probably not making any sense here, as it's 03:05, but oh well.
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it might have been cut short because i was lazy, or because i realized i was messing up your brains and turning them into hand grenades (comment a chestnut emoji if you get my song reference back there). but anyways, here, day 20
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T a g g i n g e v e r y o n e e l s e b c i ' m d e d
YOU ARE READING
trashcan (literal trash)
Non-FictionYou will lose your faith in humanity if you read this. *grabs a Connie Springer* ((last few chapters were written in a not-so-good phase of mine, sooo...))
