trashcan (literal trash)

• 30-day challenge • day 21 •

LATE AF PUBLISH. NO DATA. STORM.

i'm on the verge of breaking down mentally because i'm torn between reading a book or typing shit in here lmao. i'm not literally gonna break down though don't worry--//kicked

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DAY XXI - HOW YOU HOPE YOUR GODDAMNED FUTURE WILL BE LIKE

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ok so firstly, i don't even know. i'd probably want myself in a coffin by then or some shit but who knows? i might not be having my own thoughts rn.

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√ alright. i decided to give y'all a "generous" answer, as "what is a future?" isn't very expansive. anyways, when i was a kid, i wanted to be living in a world where crimes would not be in existence. where law thrived and justice prevailed, where we would be governed by magic and superheroes. where we would have no need to worry about getting our heads blown off as we walk the streets at night. i wanted to be part of that peace, and i once had hope that i would be someone who helped create and maintain it. it was a delusory image, of course, as a child's projection can be quite honest. we all want that, don't we? no wars or deaths, nor would there be global warming and mass destruction. we desire a world that doesn't step outside the boundaries of what we call "perfection". i wanted to be a star who performed onstage with whatever skill or talent i had. i wanted to graduate, i wanted to be able to provide a house and home for people i called my family. i wanted to have my own car, my own swimming pool outside my mansion, those childish kinds of stuff that a 4-year-old mind can imagine.

but of course, that was an age too low to be close to reality.

as i grew, i didn't want a horde of fans anymore. i wasn't able to picture myself driving a luxury car, or spending my evening with friends in a personal resort. during my younger years (maybe around 7 or 8 or some shit idk), i started to dream of running a goddamned business of my own, earning loads of money so i can show my "shitface classmates" that i could do better than their privileged asses. yes, at such an age, my intentions were already shit. but remember, i also wanted money because i wanted to have an easier life. i was shit greedy as a kid (until now, no joke), and i didn't really like boasting. so i would spit (not literally) at a rich classmate who would say this shit and that shit.

i was honestly getting a little close to my mindset nowadays.

by 3rd, 4th grade, 5th grade, i was literally consumed by the trash world of anime and manga. but i miraculously still had high as fuck honors in class, because i wanted to show people that i was "smarter than them" even though they were more privileged and better at stuff than i am. my stupid-ass way of thinking that intelligence was measured by grades... ah, i miss those days. it was way simpler during those times i fucking swear to my pink teddy bear. anyways, i saw my future as a successful ass person. someone who had their own ship (the wooden one, not the luxury cruise) and could roam the seas freely, someone who was good enough to not be looked down upon by people, or stoned by those who set their sights on me. i know, i love using hyperboles. but seriously, during these days, i was convinced that everyone hated me. who knows, might just be my emo phase.

during the last half of 5th grade, i started to lose it.

then came 6th grade, which made me slip away from the hopes of ever having a fucking future. it was complete darkness ever since then, and whenever someone would ask me to look into a life i would want to have, i don't know anymore. i'd rather shit under a bridge and eat a silkworm drenched in the blood of my enemies. it was during that time i finally realized i was better off working alone and not in a fucking group or a fucking pair, and that was when i gave up on my future. no really, i was lying down in bed one time saying i'd rather be a neet. but no, that didn't happen because how can i be a fucking neet without wifi and a computer?

i'm still at school, but if i try to imagine a future i would like, it's all mixed up; my childhood dreams of wanting to be hawk girl (ok honest: i was hooked to justice league shut up), or wanting a mansion, or wanting to go to london and all that crap, it's all mixed up now. all the shit i want to happen in my future because i'm a hopeless fucker right now, is too many that it won't fit in one life. so what do i do? i just don't think about it anymore. i don't picture futures and shit anymore. i don't dream of certain stuff, that shit's for kids with personalities and a grasp of their world as it is. i'm a delusional fuckface who doesn't relax if i don't think badly about a person at first sight. i'm aware of all my bad attitude, but i don't intend on taking any action to change any of them either.

just like how i want all those to happen in my future, but i'm not even making any effort to achieve what i "want". bigger question, is that i don't know what i want. so i'll leave it here. it went ways off topic, but man, i feel generous with my storytime today.

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i'm listening to some shit music right now and i don't want to go to band practice anymore. i lost hope in the whole fucking band and i just hope they'd flat-out tell me to get out by now instead of silently assessing me. this is why i never work in groups lol.

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just tag yourself dammit