trashcan (literal trash)

well aware

yep, i am very well aware that i lack character and depth, and i have no potential development that would get people to be proud of me one day after all this shit. i know full well that i am the greatest, most accurate example of a goddamned asshole who deserves to be damned to the pits of hell. i swear, i need someone to slap the fucking shit out of me so i can start beginning to understand people more than i would ever come around to understand myself.

wow, this is awesome, i'm suddenly sending myself to a state of eternal damnation for my crimes against the folk that ruined my very outlook? it's a pretty amazing plot twist, if i may. i don't know which of these fucking thoughts are mine, but i'm pretty certain i don't really have any solid basis or foundation to whatever i'm saying. it's always like that, i spout shit and gibberish, my mouth is full of curses and foolish assumptions, rhodomontades and delusions of all kinds, whatever floats the boat of whoever is infront of me. i can say i messed up preeetty badly.

i wasn't able to pull it off perfectly. i have so many flaws, and those imperfections took over my clownish responses and actions i would desire to take, commanded by the standards of normal human beings. indeed, for the most part, i have succeeded in getting people to believe that i am unaware of how awful a thing i am, how revolting my stench is, how much the sight of me hurts people's eyes. but there are instances wherein i let go of all this pretense and show the underlying monkey that yells at these scary human beings by accident.

it's easy to shed your cloak if you have another layer of comedy to put over your best-kept secrets, and i understand that fairly. but sometimes, i forget how it is and accidentally leave the layer of comic effect somewhere along the lines of my discarded masks.

my point is that, i am aware of everything i do, but i can no longer control the urges to perform such tasks. it's become too much of a habit that i don't understand anymore if i am merely playing the part of a jester, or if i am being genuine in my craft.