trashcan (literal trash)

• 30-day challenge • day 29 •

Currently trying to keep my brain intact because I have to learn, like, 3 more songs in two weeks, and I'm not chill with that because I've been losing the drive to actually fucking sing these days ever since I got into this band.

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Day xxix - five weird things that you like

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√ since i don't know what 'weird' means for our society wherein everyone is trying to be unique or is proud to be 'crazy', i'll just be putting into this chapter some stuff i think most kids my age (when i was 11) didn't like. it's way easier to do that, because i've been meeting a lot of people these days who actually have the same stuff or something.

remember, this was me when i was 11 (because i found this small notebook with some of my thoughts inside and luckily, the 3-year-old notes are still alive), so they might be pretty, um, cringey.

√ being drawn towards the idea of macabre feels and being out of existence.

- basically, this is a phrase saying "i loved emo stuff and wanted to die. but in slight denial", which i complicated for my own personal preferences. these were the days wherein i was one of the few among my schoolmates who liked blood and guts and medieval torture methods and dark, black clothing. so i was technically the emo king who had "no heart" or "capacity to love". although these days, i still had that happy-go-fucking-lucky front, in which i am constantly spurred on to make friendly gestures and attempts at befriending everyone. although hostile. i still had the "proceed with caution but act like you trust everyone" motto in my head. these were the days i pretended to talk people OUT of suicide and not INTO it so i could have a comrade to dive into the dirty river with, out of sheer fear that i'd be "exposed". that they'd discover i was a weak person who, according to the notes i found, "couldn't face the challenges this world gave her". yep, i referred to myself using the female pronouns, and, suicide jokes were out of the question because it had been a very serious thing i was interested in.

√ things that are affiliated to the olden times.

- for example; architecture, fashion, culture, literature (particularly shakespearean plays), music and traditions that had come from medieval europe. although i've concluded that liking these things aren't actually uncommon in our modern world, who just wants those fancy locks and belts back. when i was a kid, though, and everyone tried to keep up with style and everything, i was often questioned about the fact that i liked to study the black death better than the timely outbreak of dengue fever. so i was plastered onto thinking i was a weirdo (they called me that and either got their noses broken or another discreetly inspiring lecture [omg i miss my lectures] ) and lived with it until i went out to the wider world.

√ serial killers and plagues that have been in the past.

- albert fish is a pretty good example. my interest on this piece of work was spurred into action by a vocaloid song called "willows of wysteria", as the whole thing was based off his heinous crimes and unique ways of munching up his targets. you can look more information up about this guy, but don't dig into it too deep, or they might get you. and i'll miss you when they come for you.  anyways, jack the ripper and those of his category hage also always been interesting topics in my dictionary, but when i met a few people who knew more about these killers than i did, my brain ejected the interest and information out into a world where they can be recycled by those who want to find a place in our box. the bubonic plague was also one of the best things i've ever heard of during the early stages of the start of my downfall, both as a normal child and as a human. although, i ditched this shit when i learned about the fact that we were to tackle it later on in our junior years.

√ opera and metal music. poetry and certain genres.

- since most 11 year olds during my generation (the ugly genetation of millenials and dramatic teenagers) were hooked to pop music, i felt unique, thinking of the fact that an emo lord such as i, liked the idea of either making collaborations of opera vocals and metal instrumentals or simply listening to each type of music individually. i thought i was the only one who had these kinds of preferences, including poems, crime fiction, murder-mysteries, and simply nihilistic pieces of art which i didn't know the term for back then. i wish i had found this certain book sooner, though. but maybe it was for the best. not knowing of it made the rest of my early, growing states a little happier and more tolerable than the result i imagined in my head if i had known of it. and the reason why i used those notes as basis to give life to this chapter, is because of the fact that the words are painfully similar to the main character's dialogues on this one book i had been talking about. and i had forgotten all about them because of my clowning.

√ anime and manga.

- ya know, all that cliche about yadda yaddee, yaddo yaddey. ostracized for having crushes on unrealistic peoplr and figments of imagination while i didn't have any desire to get together nicely with anyone who actually breathed within my range of reach. the shit about this item wasn't really tiring,  but having to deal with uncivilized people who knew only of pop culture and monocultured ideas was actually very exhausting on its own. normies can be pretty handful, and you know that.

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now time to give another shot at sleeping, because i literally don't know what i was saying during the last bit. idek if this is right at all, bye. although honestly, this is more of a flashback chapter than a discussion of my current self, which i basically have unconsciously lost during my free time.