Ignorance was Bliss (Random Updates)

Insecurities

"Hols, why do you have to set your alarm so early?" Finn groans into my ear the next morning and I chuckle at him as he moans pulling me tighter to him as I reach for my phone to turn it off.

"I hate mornings, I need time to accept that I need to leave my nice warm bed and interact with other human beings for the day" I tell him hitting snooze and snuggle myself back against him and suddenly remember that we are both naked when I feel how happy he is this morning. I feel myself tense when I realise I'm no longer in my lust filled haze and Finn has seen just about all of me and has been holding me all night when everything is flabby and on display. Shit!

"What's wrong?" Finn asks sleepily into my neck placing a soft kiss behind my ear and I can feel him tracing small patterns on my stomach that makes me want to try and breath in so his hand can't feel how big it is. "Muffin?" Finn asks concerned and I can't help the bark of laughter at how fitting his nickname is for me, more like muffin top! He try's to turn me over to look at him but I hold on to the covers staying on my side so as not to move too much. "You're doing that thing where you go into your head and make things bigger than they need to be" Finn states removing his hand from me and I don't know whether to be happy about it or see it as rejection?

"I still have three minutes until my snoozed alarm goes off again stop killing my buzz" I say trying to play the whole thing down with my eyes shut not wanting to give a voice to my insecurities with him just now. I don't want to regret what happened last night but I've been so stupid to forget how my body compares to all those other girls he's seen, heck not one of them have ever been seen with any girl even nearly remotely on the heavy side except me.

"Don't go into that pretty little head of yours Hols" he says quietly stroking my hair but the absence of his hands actually on me and his body behind me brings burning tears to my eyes and I sniff trying to stop them from overflowing. "Holly?" Finn asks desperately trying to pull me to him again and luckily my alarm goes off giving me an excuse. I reach over and hit stop and grab the sheet to me pulling as I go so as not to let him see any more of me. I feel his eyes on me and look up to see his confused green eyes watching me with a tinge of sadness.

"I'm just going to go shower" I say tilting my head to the bathroom door. "I'll meet you downstairs" I tell him and turn and move as quick as possible with a long bedsheet around me.

Once in the bathroom I lock the door and turn on the shower and lean on the sink trying to calm my breathing to stop the tears from coming. I look up into the mirror and look at my face trying to actually look at my features to see why any of the boys would be willing to do this but I just see plain old me. I mean I'm not ugly by any means but as my mum once said when she was wasted "you'd look so much better with some of that weight off you" I forget at times she can be so spiteful when drunk. My brown eyes are large, I've got nicely shaped eyebrows, full lips and a button nose. I'm lucky to have inherited my dads Italian heritage so my skin has always had a nice colouring with wavy brown hair. If I was just going on my face I'd say I can see something but the rest of me is a car wreck. I open the sheet and look at my naked body in the mirror and the tears actually do come. Again I know I am no where near as big as some people but in society these days appearances mean a lot to some and my only saving grace is my small waist so that I actually have a shape but this body is definitely better covered up than out in the open. I mean I know that I'm looking more defined and toned from hockey but I still don't look like those other girls.

"Argh!" What the fuck am I doing? I'm not this girl with them! I've always known that other guys don't see me as attractive but the guys have only ever wanted to be my friend for me, I've never been a skinny Minnie and surely that has to mean more than anything.

I start to think back to last night and how Finn looked at me and I tell myself that he did not once look disgusted with what he seen. Did he? No! He told me I was perfect and spent time watching me or touching me and he held me all night and didn't let go of me until I started acting like an bloody idiot!