Quiver

Running To

The broken girl is running back to her abusive best friend. My best friend is running to the drinking go-to girl, even though she knows she'll get hurt.

I'm new to being okay, and new is scary, so I went to the dark place in me to find something familiar, even though I know all the reasons not to.

My brother is going off to boarding school, but he still hasn't told his best friends, and they're wondering where he is at school because he's scared of no longer being popular and wanted.

Matilda is running to think she's right because she struggles with self-concept and she wants to see herself as a good person despite hurting so many people, hurting herself in the process.

When things are different we run to familiar pain. Sophie, my best friend, is running to poisonous people to fill the gap she feels in herself. She's going to get hurt, she's going to get hit, and it's what she's used to. So even though she's happier now, it's confusing so she resorts to pain.

Recently, I do not how to be okay. I am okay, I'm happy, but how does one do that all the time? I don't know, it's confusing and scary. So what do I do? I stop fighting and give in, I binge and purge, listening to sad music on my bed and crying for hours. Why would I do that? It feels terrible, yet I resort to it.

Miles, my brother, got accepted into an exceptional boarding school yet he practically hasn't told anyone. His popularity made him feel good about himself, his popularity made him feel wanted. He's scared that if his friends knew he was going away they wouldn't like him anymore. He knows that he has to let go of people like that but he stays because he's scared of breakthrough.

Matilda chooses to believe that she's right, that she did the right thing despite knowing how much she hurt me when she exploited me. The thought that people don't like her terrifies her, she wants to be seen a certain way. I think a part of her knows what she did was wrong, but she doesn't admit it because she lives in denial instead of acceptance. 

Why do we self-sabotage like this? We catch ourselves in a moment of weakness and destroy ourselves so nobody else can. As if we're finishing the job for someone else. I'm going to be authentic, I'm going to break that cycle.