Quiver

Simply

I haven't as kind and gentle with myself as I'd like to be recently.

I'm not being very honest, either. These updates aren't as raw as they once were. Perhaps it is because people are actually reading them. I don't know who these people are and it makes me nervous. 

Or maybe it's not about that.

It doesn't particularly matter, because either way, I'm not doing too good with myself.

I've been almost obsessed with "okay" and "not okay." Last year when I would cry for hours I would look into a mirror and tell myself that I was okay over and over and over again, as if it would change something. But it didn't really change anything.

I was okay in November. I was at the highest point of my life. I had never felt so much like... sunshine. I felt like sunshine in November. Everything was going good.

But things changed, things happened. Both in my family life and out. I made some not-so-good choices, and they began to reflect how I feel about myself. I hurt multiple people. I'm more insecure than I used to be. My anxiety is worse than I want it to be. I keep having nightmares and panic attacks. Some old thoughts are coming back.

I know, there are people with it far worse. I'm so lucky to have all that I do, and I am truly grateful. When I was younger and I would tell myself I didn't have the right to be sad because I had everything. I do have everything. I'm still sad. It makes me selfish.

But I'm trying to live my best, happiest life. I'm not there yet. There will be another November for me, figuratively and literally. I can't do that until I take a step back to breathe and deal with my emotions so they can improve. I can myself the time for that.

I have the right to be sad.

I don't believe that. I hope one day I will.

Maybe I'm not "okay" or "not okay." Maybe I just am, and that's enough. Things can simply be and I can simply breathe. 

The first half of October was difficult for me. A terra-cards person told me mid October that "I'm no less than the person I'll become. Think of all the improvements you've made since six months ago." 

This update is long. I don't care. :) 

I might not update ever again. Maybe I'll update tomorrow. I feel okay about tomorrow, I'm going to do what's right for myself. I'm going to stop worrying that I'm not "better" if I'm sad. 

I'm going to simply be.