Quiver

a year ago today

she was writing when she knew

that inside there was more clear than blue

she wrote until she dropped her pen

and pulled yellow from underneath her bed

she knew she shouldn't trust her head

but she'd do anything to be dead

she wrapped the rope around her hands

she waited for the feeling to pass

it didn't. she expected to be sad

or terrified or mad

but she cared only for nothing

she didn't care about her brothers or her dad

she would wear a pink sundress

she wondered if her body would look pretty

and soon she would be sitting

in fine fabric writing her goodbyes

it was what she'd always dreamed to write.

but no, she was with yellow rope around her wrists

her mind was screaming with clenched fists

for the first time she untied with desire in her mind

(when she told him she was better she had lied.)

all she had to do was take the pills

one more request she must fulfill

she thought of those she loved and every reason

to stay alive but why stay breathing?

until a thought stopped her.

And a year ago today I nearly committed suicide

Hell, I know I've almost at least a hundred times

But did you know you could smell death? Taste it?

Fatality written on your tongue?

Could you believe it would wrap around someone still so young?

It haunts me in dreams and I confess

No memory brings me more stress

I feared it and hated it--

the way it crept at 2:00 am

but I knew there was a reason my story didn't end

I learned to love my imperfections and all of my flaws

I learned to love mornings, evenings and it all

I loved a girl (and I still do)

I lived a fairy tale come true

Because I fell in love with breathing

It wasn't easy but I started healing

To the girl I was a year ago today

There are so many things that I would say

Like thank you.

A year ago today my life was slipping out of my hands,

It seemed I'd never make it to the dawn,

But as it began to seep through my fingers,

I promised I'd hold on.