Buy me flowers| PJM

F. 28

I look at my left arm, unbandaged now. And then I look at my right arm.

Which right now, is equally as hurt as the left one.

The only hint I have for the number of hours that have passed is that the sky outside is a light shade of purple. I can't make myself stand up from the carpet of my room. I can't make myself stop.

Hoseok has knocked at my door multiple times these past hours, begging me to open the door. I didn't. I couldn't. Eventually, around the time the moonlight was flooding my room, he gave up. Actually, I know he didn't. I know he's sleeping with his back leaned to my bedroom door, on the outside. And that thought makes me cry harder.

But that's also the reason I leave for school through my window at half past five AM.

I hate myself. I hate myself for not feeling guilty that I hurt my brother. I hate myself for thinking the way I did years ago. I hate myself for thinking that way again. But it's not something I can seem to stop, it's not something I can seem to control.

I buy myself a bottle of water from a non-stop supermarket and head to the high school building. I find the cold wind relaxing, even though it can't erase the fever that I have. Being the only one on the streets right now feels somehow comforting, like this time of the day has been made just for me.

However, none of these can make me stop thinking about what I'm actually doing. Getting in a fight with my brother just because my ego is too big to stand down, pushing JungKook away, not minding my own business and getting involved in a stupid bet with a boy who has a girlfriend?

Mom would've been disappointed.

Why can't I just... stop? Stop being a pain in the ass, stop being a drama queen, stop being the one most girls hate in school, stop being the worst sister, the worst girlfriend, stop being a disappointment...

Why can't I stop being such a sick mess?

No matter how hard I'd try, it's not enough. It's never enough.

I sit on a bench in the park, realizing that the high school yard isn't open until 7 AM. Taking sips of water from time to time seems to be a way to calm myself. And it feels nice. I look at the sky as the sun rises behind the clouds. Even the sweet shade of purple feels comforting, like a pretty aesthetic for those kids who seem to be so cool, but who, in fact, have their hearts shattered.

If JungKook was here, he would play some music on his phone, giving me on of the ear buds from his headphones so we can both enjoy the song. I love that about him, how his life seems to be a movie to which he always seems to find the perfect soundtrack. He fits music into anything and not just because he enjoys it, but because he feels more like himself when he's surrounded by it.

Like he'd have his own world.

My thoughts instantly fly to Jimin and his dancing. How he looks mesmerized when he dances.  Is that how you feel when you're doing what you love? Like you have your own world? I think about my passion for literature and my heart stops for a second when I realize how much I love it. I would do this my whole life, but is this right? Why can't I be good enough for this either lately?

I close my eyes, trying to imagine a dream life. A life in which I'd have both of my parents by my side, a life in which Hoseok and I would have those brother-and-sister quarrels often, a life in which I could have a group of friends and go to parties on Friday, like all the teenagers do. Thinking about it this way, I realize how different I am from the other girls my age, different in a way I wish I wasn't.

I would love to have sleepovers and go to the cinema with my friends once a month. I would love to spend the lunch break talking and laughing with people. I would love to spend evenings having Skype calls with my squad. I would really love to be simply careless.

But I have no friends.

And there were several times I thought I don't need them, not realizing I might enjoy spending time with other people excluding Hoseok and JungKook. But looking at it now, I feel empty. Being such an anti-social is a mistake I've been doing, not always purposely though, but it's a mistake I wish I could take back.

But as life works, what is done, is done. And unfortunately, the past never comes back, no matter how much we'd want it to.

So I guess, we can live from now on at least. We can change what we did wrong so we won't regret the same things. But thinking about it, I realize that sometimes, regret feels comforting. It's like an excuse for not being good enough. It's like a façade we're using to hide that run down version of ourselves. So after all, do we really want to change it?

*

I nervously play with my fingers as I watch JungKook talking to the music teacher. By the gesticulation of his hands, I know he's really interested in the conversation and whatever they would be talking about, he doesn't pay attention just to be polite. He's genuinely interested.

There's a reason why I could bet my life that JungKook would never skip his music classes. And that's because he loves music. The conversation I'm witnessing right now is just a proof for that.

Eventually, he politely bows to his teacher and steps towards the door of the class.

"Hey." I say and he lifts his gaze towards me.

He's surprised for a second, as he stops in his tracks. But then, he continues walking. Towards me.

"Hey." He answers with a weak smile on his lips.

I don't deserve him.

I sigh.

"I'm sorry." I say, pushing myself to look him in the eye. "I'm sorry, JungKook-ah. I shouldn't have gotten myself into things that were none of my business."

JungKook lowers his gaze towards his boots, not rushing to say anything back.

So in fact, this conversation won't be that similar to the one I dreamed about.

"I don't want you to be mad at me because of that, I can't lose you like that..."

"I'm not mad at you." He says in a really calm tone.

His soothing voice has the power to calm my nervousness down at least a bit. And I'm thankful to him for acting so lightly, even though I know he's battling with himself on the inside.

"I'm mad at myself." He continues, lifting his gaze to look me in the eyes.

Again, I wait for him to say something else, to explain what he's actually talking about. But that never comes. He just looks at me, with a spark of sadness in his eyes, his smile too weary to be considered genuine. He lightly shakes his head, avoiding my gaze as if he was disapproving to something inside his head. I want to hear that. I want to hear what he has to say.

I open my mouth to ask, but right then, it hits me. He won't answer. Whatever I'd ask, he'd brush it off, leaving my questions unanswered. It's the same as when we had the fight last week. Except back then I asked too much. I overwhelmed him. I disturbed that part of him that wanted to be peaceful. And he couldn't hold back the rage anymore.

If he doesn't want to tell me, I'll let him be. He needs to take time for himself and I'm not going to ruin that again.

I won't ask him.

But I'm not leaving him alone anymore either.

We're forever, remember?

I take his hand in mine and give him a small smile.

"Everything is gonna be alright, okay?" I whisper and I feel him squeezing my hand lightly.

I haven't lost him.

Yet.

"Now let's go." I say, trying to sound cheerful. "I'll treat you lunch..."

_____

Special apologies& thanks to  AlexBts123

Trust me , I love you& I'm sorry for being such a messy unnie from time to time♥