Buy me flowers| PJM

F. 48

It's been five months.

It took me a few days to gather my courage to read the letter. Every time I touched it, I was dropping it like it was burning my skin. Maybe it really was. The day I decided I have to read it was when I realized that it can give me answers I was longing so much for.

And the truth is it was.

I had to pause reading after every sentence which made the whole process last a couple hours. But could I care?

I couldn't. And I couldn't care when I started crying either. I just needed to let it all out. And it wasn't just the heavy feeling in my heart. I was confused. I couldn't understand... why. Why everything had happened so fast before my eyes, like... like I was suddenly rushing to live. I thought I had forever when in fact I had a few days. To love. To live. To breathe the way I was supposed to.

And somehow, I found that annoying, how I let my state depend on somebody. Which I shouldn't have done, but I couldn't help it.

I loved him. That was a fact. And I knew I couldn't change that.

But the least I could do was learning to love myself as well.

Society nowadays promotes a very wrong idea, the one that a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a relationship is the answer to all your hardships. They basically promote that if you suffer any kind of mental illness, getting yourself a boyfriend will erase all your struggles. They promote the fact that relationships change your life.

The truth is they don't.

And I wish I knew that earlier, I wish I didn't grow up being brain washed so much by the people around me. Because life is not a love story. There is so much more to life than kisses and skipped heartbeats. So much more.

And I wanted to see more of that. I wanted to be able to be happy without his love. Because during these long five months, he hasn't called or texted me in any way. So was I supposed to be the one doing it instead? I chose "No" as the right answer. Despite his sudden departure, I grew to realize that, in fact I was heading towards the good side and I was happy with myself for that. And the most important thing was that I wasn't alone. I was far from being alone, having so many amazing people by my side.

What made me even happier was that I was finally able to help the ones around me. Even though I might had done that in the past as well, it was the first time I was actually feeling helpful, it was the first time I let myself feel like this.

I've grown closer to Taehyung, Lola and Seulgi during the past few months, more than to anybody else, to the point a day doesn't pass without me meeting at least one of them. But to be honest, I can't complain. Especially when Lola is the living legend of the girl crush concept- JungKook's favorite girl crush definitely, Seulgi is the sweetest girl alive and a great advice giver and Taehyung is so funny and we have watched at least twenty TV series together up till now. Lola and Hobi keep saying we'll become antisocial if we keep spending so much time in front of the TV, but we can't give a single damn.

And the only reason why today, Taehyung and I weren't watching the third season of a TV series we began watching the other day was that I had to pick up some stuff from my brother's old practice room. He asked me to do that in his place, because he was busy with the last adjustments at his new dance studio.

He made it, he is opening his own dance studio in Seoul , already having a lot of people who want to sign up. This has been his dream ever since he was a kid, I know that. It's just that he hasn't mentioned it ever since our mother died because he knew he had to go for something more stable during those times. And I guess, back then both of us were scared. But I'm so, so proud of him for his achievement, for following his dream and for turning it to reality. The grand opening is on in two days so everybody involved (and not only them) is pretty nervous, but excited at the same time.