Thinking of Your Skin: The Truth Behind Camren - Book Two

Chapter 31: The Great Escape

July 17th, 2017

10:00 A.M.

Camila

I wasn't sure how many days had passed since I had called. I had stopped counting. I was sick of counting, of keeping track, of being so incredibly conscious of everything having to do with her.

But it wasn't just my being sick of being hung up on Lauren; it was the fact that I was actually occupied and making the career moves I had been wanting to make for so long.

I was opening for Bruno Mars. BRUNO MARS. I still couldn't believe it. The tour was set to start in three days and I had been busting my ass in rehearsals, when I wasn't back in the studio creating, of course.

Keeping busy had been my healing, and I was finally realizing it, finally allowing myself to be happy about it. I had spent way too much time trying to hold on to the past, not just with Lauren, but even with all of the other girls.

Although I hadn't made any attempts to reach out to Ally or Normani, the aching in my heart over what I used to have with each girl in the group had been weighing on me for months. I hated how it all went down, I hated that I couldn't talk to them, and I hated that they all seemed so freaking happy without me.

The dwelling had been extremely unhealthy, even though it had helped me write a few songs here and there. The point was, I was done with it all. I was ready to move on to the next stage of my life, and Bruno Mars was going to be the one to kick that off for me.

I sat there in the dance studio and looked at my reflection in the gigantic mirror in front of me. Everyone else had just left to go get lunch, but I needed a moment to myself. Being alone with my thoughts didn't scare me so much lately.

I thought about the vision I had had for my album for so long: The Hurting, The Healing, The Loving. It had seemed perfect when the concept popped into my head after that unexpected talk with my sister.

The Hurting.

I had poured my soul out into dozens of 'hurting' songs, including "I Have Questions". In a way, I still did have questions. I still wondered what Lauren was doing with Ty or how she was liking their writing process or if she really wanted me erased from her life.

Yet, I didn't really crave the answers anymore. I had accepted the fact that there were just some things I would never know and didn't need to. For the first time, I could actively choose to wonder about her and the girls.

The Healing.

I was in the middle of it, and I could finally feel it. I thought that being away from the group would've healed me in and of itself, all the way back in January. It had taken me six months to actually start the process. So, of course, if I was in the middle of healing, I still hadn't reached...

The Loving.

I was surrounded by every type of love except the romantic kind, which, unfortunately, was so important to me. Any love songs I had written were mere fantasies or faded memories. I wasn't in it, and I couldn't pretend to be.

But I also couldn't wait to be. I couldn't wait to get to the only part that had been keeping me going since leaving the group. I had been looking forward to finding that love in my heart again, yes, for another person, but also for myself and for my craft.

I was done with making everything about the past. I wanted to focus on the future, on new beginnings, on getting to the loving.

So I had to let some things go to get there. I had to stop digging through social media to hear about Lauren and Ty or what Fifth Harmony was up to. I had to move on, and I was finally ready to.