After four years on a dramatic rollercoaster of emotions, it looked like Camila and Lauren were finally done for good, especially with Camila ready to leave Fifth Harmony. However, that didn't mean that the drama ended there, or that 'Camren' did ei...
It had been almost two full days; two days since Lauren had finally reached out to me and two days since I was stuck with the burdensome question of whether or not I should let her into my life again.
This was how Lauren and I tended to do things after all: have a really intense moment and then not talk for a while after. It happened when we were still seeing each other every single day so it was inevitable for it to happen now.
Now, I had absolutely no obligation to mend things with her, to talk to her, to see her. I was completely free to make this decision and stick to what I chose with no complications.
The thing was, I had started to grow used to not having to think about anything involving the green eyed girl. That was the sort of freedom I was enjoying: the freedom of not having to choose anything, and Lauren had still managed to take that away from me. Now, even indecision was a decision.
So, here I was, leaving the studio like I had every other day, but this time I came out wondering about her, wondering if I was ready to reconnect or even if I wanted to. The weirdest part was that I was more concerned about what I would be losing than I would be gaining.
Like I had realized multiple times already throughout my solo career, Lauren made an excellent muse. She was a story, a fantasy, a distant heartbreak, an everlasting love. She had been everything but a real person practically since I had left the group. How horrible was it of me to worry that that would all melt away if we started talking again?
People don't write passionate songs about their friends; it just doesn't happen that often unless some sort of death or hardship is involved. If Lauren were to come into my life again as a friend...would I lose my inspiration? More importantly, was I basically saying that I liked wallowing around in my own misery just so that I could write?
Then, there was the more rational part of me that thought about what Lauren being my friend would really mean, regardless of my writing. That part of me thought about everything the two of us had been through; it wondered if we had ever really been just friends, if it was possible to become just that.
Or would I just fall hopelessly in love with her again? I couldn't say that for sure. I barely knew her anymore. I desperately wished for some sort of guidance, or at least a better idea of what Lauren was like now; her intentions, her thoughts, her passions.
It was such an odd sensation. It felt like I was deciding whether or not to be friends with a total stranger who, at the same time, was the person who had impacted me the most throughout my entire life. I willed her to be standing right in front of me, so that I could gage those emerald eyes and make sure that I was making the right decision.
But she wasn't. She was halfway across the world and I was alone in my studio. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do; I wrote, the image of the green eyed girl dancing around in my head as my pencil touched down on the paper in front of me.
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