Rookywriters Book Reviews

Review 10 @tanellia

Book: Purple Dream
Author: tanellia

REVIEW

1. First chapter blues

* Summary / prologue - I am thinking if something is not adding up with the prologue. Starting off with the death of Beatrice's mother when there was nothing suspicious about her death felt a little bit flat. I would suggest to take it off, and fix it somewhere in a chapter as a flashback for Beatrice. (my opinion)

* Intro to main character - Good intro to main character Beatrice.

* Intro to story - There was no formal introduction to a 'story'. We only just learnt about mom's death. The story is still brewing.
And then I am suggesting if chapter one will be divided into two.

Chapter one have three main activities going on,
! The cemetery attendance
!! Intro to Beatrice father and
!!! Announcement of will reading

Which are too much for one chapter to accommodate.

If it can be written chapter by chapter,
Chapter one... just when Beatrice is getting over her mom's death, then boom ...
Chapter two...her father appears, and just when she's trying to digest who the man is, another boom,
Chapter three... comes the will reading.

Keeps the story flowing with suspense.

* Intro to genre - Intro to the genre, teen fiction is still a little bit blurry. A teen losing her mother at age sixteen, well, I think there needs to be extra drama on her part. Like school issues, friend issues, first love issues, personal battles etc

2. Story Settings

* Description - Description was really lacking in the story.
Description of the whole characters, Beatrice, Luke, Ben, Mark, Troy, I can't get a clear picture of what they might look like.

Also the characters voices needed to be described as husky, harsh, soft, loud etc

Beatrice home, the cemetery environment, the school etc all needed to be described.

* Theme - Theme of death is all I can see for now, the drama is yet to begin.

* Intrigue / Suspense factor - All the suspense was lost in chapter one. If you can keep the intriguing parts of the story for later chapters, then do it. The mom's death was intriguing enough to take a whole four to five chapters, before the intro of the father or any other drama.

* Relation to genre - The story is still brewing. Hoping to see more of the drama.

* Time setting - Timing, was scarcely talked about. But it was noted.

* Character development - There was some pretty sly issues with the characters. Their voices sounded alike. There was no difference when a male character was talking and when a female character was talking. There was no special qualities to separate the way they talked and their actions.

The character Ben Stevens, (our run away daddy) was introduced in chapter one as just "the vocalist of Violet Glints" That's all. There is no background info of him. Like where he's coming from, why he came, who was he, what's he up to and all? What's his personality like?

Luke... I heard, is Beatrice best friend. Who is Luke? How did the best friend story come about? Is he tall, short, fat, slim, funny, ugly, handsome, what does he do?
We need background info on this dude.

3. Story Tone

* Grammar - Diction was on point. No punctuation errors. Cleared.

* Dialogue - Most of the dialogue was not really fulfilling. They felt short and hurried. The characters seemed to speak as if they were been forced to talk.

Example, the 'Skip state' chapter. At the beginning, Beatrice and Luke who are best friends were talking, but there was no connection or emotions in the dialogue.

"Have you eaten?"

I shake my head. "Dammit, where is that shitty book?"

"You need to eat."

I roll my eyes. "Tell me something I don't know."

"Don't be a bitch."

"Sorry."

"Your English book is with me, I borrowed it last week remember."

(I wrote it out here, so you can see what I mean)

Now read this.

"Hey, Bee, you look so pale, have you been eating at all?" Luke asked. Worried lines marked his forehead as he tapped my cheeks lightly.

I ignore him, rampaging my locker for my English book. "Dammit, I can seem to find this piece of..."

"Don't tell me you're looking for your English textbook," Luke folds his arms across his chest. "And stop ignoring me, you're been a bitch."

"Sorry." I mutter. I hated it when Luke says I'm a bitch.

Luke reach out and hold my hands. "Hey, look at me, you need to eat something, and incase you have forgotten, your English book is with me,"

"Oh... I totally forgot," I breath out in relief. How did I even forget that. "I really need to eat. Thanks Luke."

Something like this... Is a bit lively. I think. (My opinion)

* Choice of words - Good choice of words.

* Chapter flow - Chapter flow was going well. Good.

* Writing voice - It seemed like you were not really connecting with either the story or the main character Beatrice. So the writing voice was a bit dull and not sharp.

4. Creativity

* Plot development - The story plot is nice. But with the main themes happening in the first three chapters, I'm still wondering when the drama will actually begin.

* Writing style - Check this out...

Troy starts driving, and the wind greets me and ruffles my hair. The sun is shinning really high but I don't feel any hot as the breeze of wind chills me. I close my eyes and savouring the free I feel throughout my body.

That 👆 is the last paragraph of 'Skip state' chapter.

Now this 👇 is my rough version.

Troy kick-starts his bike and rolled into the tarred road. He releases the gear and speeds off into the bright sun set. I feel a peaceful sense of calm wash through my body. It felt like I needed this ride for a long time now. Thanks Troy.

The heat from the sun didn't make me sweat, rather the cool breeze sipping in to my skin was enough to wade off any hotness. Gradually I drift off, closing my eyes and enjoying the free ride.

Your writing style focuses on one angle only.
Just the writing, there's no style.

5. Personal thoughts - Tanellia, you wrote chasing a smoke, I checked that book out and it was really good. Purple dream is way different from chasing a smoke.

Maybe the first person pov working perfectly well in chasing a smoke may not really work well for purple dream unless you really invest time to put yourself in the shoes of a female teenager and wisely create the storyline from a teenager's point of view.

Or better still switch povs, let's read the story either from Luke's pov or Ben's pov too.

* Overall - Aye, so long a review there. But really good story idea. The title is so lovely. The cover needs something more colorful with real pictures of characters, I guess. Because the cover is having the vibes of a thriller story. Good luck to this story. You got a 9 out of ten!

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