Rookywriters Book Reviews

Review 54 @kronixalis

Book: Bad boy's Reason
Author: kronixalis

REVIEW

1. First Chapter Blues

· Summary/prologue - With a summary like the one you have just written there will be basically no point in reading the book. The 'bad boy committed suicide' part should be left as suspense for readers to find out on their own. Make a better summary about the main characters, what transpired and what led to what, and leave the rest info for readers to find out.

The part titled 'The day I died', is it a prologue or introduction? It seemed irrelevant in a way maybe because it was too short. Either you make it better by adding more background information on either Ryan or Jasmine or remove it entirely.

· Intro to main character - The chapter titled 'The beginning' felt like I was reading an autobiography of wrestler or some hunky dude. However, writing from a male's pov can be interesting if you are female writer, in this situation Ryan shouldn't be tagged as a 'female chaser' in chapter one. I think he has a life before everything started happening in the new school.

Try giving him an in depth characterization, lets say he loves playing basketball, he cooks his own meal, or he reads alone in the woods or goes fishing with his dad's friend sometimes. All these make him relatable and realistic.

Same thing with Jasmine, give her a life and background story so that we know where she's coming from before meeting with Ryan.

· Intro to story - There is no effective story going on yet. From the last two chapters I get Ryan is living with an abusive step father, it will be better to bring this part first. It can also work as a background story for Ryan. That is before he actually starts the new school.

· Intro to genre - Good intro to the genre teen fiction.

2. Story Settings

· Description - There is little or no engaging descriptions that suppose to give your characters a full human outlook.

· Theme - theme of love and suicide.

· Intrigue/Suspense Factor - wanting to know why Ryan committed suicide would have been an intriguing topic, but you mentioned it so many times in this few chapters, it literally lost value.

· Relation to genre - story is related to the genre, teen fiction.

· Time Setting - There is no significant timing of scenes. There is need to add the day and night factor so that readers can know when things are happening.

· Character Development - The characters pov, that is Ryan and Jasmine, sounds like they are reporting the activities that happened to them in an interrogation room.

On my way to school I saw the most gorgeous boy I have ever seen in my entire life. And I am not exaggerating.

(This is reporting. Its kind of flat and 2D-ishh.)

I stepped down from the school bus and hung my heavy school bag on my left shoulders. The school walk was crowded as usual with kids with different shapes and sizes hurrying down to the front door. I had barely taken five steps down he school walk when an unfamiliar figure waling in front to my left, caught my eyes. Ducking my head, I moved faster to get a better glimpse of him. From his looks, he seemed like a new kid. I could see his jet-black hair, almost matching with his fitted black t-shirt. He had a grey jean on. He was getting off his bike at that moment. We made eye contact, and I was surprised to see that he ws actually checking me out.

Err...I'm not used to writing about teen stuffs but this sounds kinda better. It's more like narrating. The key here is, take your time to imagine the scene in the most natural way possible before writing.

3. Story Tone

· Grammar - Grammar is simple. Read widely and learn new words to spice up your writing. The chapter titled 'His secret' started with;

I was on my ride home when I noticed a car following me, so I turned around half hoping, half expecting it to be the girl I saw earlier but not the girl I saw earlier. It was the bitchy one that was trying to seduce me or some shit.

So this paragraph is full of repeated words and some confusion that readers may or may not understand. You might want to clarify certain situations once and for all in simple, plain, straight forward sentences. Otherwise the character Ryan might be seen as some none serious dude with no plans for his life.

Also Ryan is a guy, don't make him think or act like a girl in some instances.

· Dialogue - dialogue is constricted and not fully developed. From what I read, Ryan, Jasmine and Cynthia are saying things the writer says in real life, which is quite obvious. Give your characters their own distinct voice and tone, so that readers can relate with them easily.

· Choice of words - Good choice of words for your story

· Chapter flow - The chapters titled 'The beginning and Devil's Angel' can be joined to form one chapter since the activities are still happening in the same time and locations.

· Writing voice - No strong, active voice yet. But with practice it sure gets strong.

Learn to separate your writing voice from the characters voices. Let your characters speak for themselves don't force your own tone ofine voice into them, it becomes obvious.

The idea is what will Ryan or Jasmine do in this situation and not what will kronixalis do.

4. Creativity

· Plot development - the story is still kicking off with four or five chapters. I will suggest, you work the scenes in order of occurance. Normally, family drama should come first before school activities. If Ryan is having family problems, write more about it by showing how the events happens in his home, not just telling it in a summary.

Let's feel his emotions, he is a man, he shouldn't be blacking out or fainting at intervals, lol. Make him stronger and give him a manly build for the story.

Jasmine too, if there are family issues we need to learn about her then show it, that is how you introduce characters. The two lovebirds must not meet in the first chapter out of no way. It may or may not be realistic.

Don't write short chapters. Fill up the chapters with descriptions of locations, settings, storyline, character thoughts and actions.

A good chapter should be at least 800 to 1500 words for a start.

· Writing style - Simple writing style.

5. Personal thoughts - So The bad boy reason, the bad boy reason as a title sounds a little cliché. This days most readers are running away from these super cliché books with the same repetitive titles, I would suggest you give the book a catchy fresh name.

If this is your first book, give it your best, do researches, study how people relate especially people of the opposite sex, study how they think in different situations, their facial expressions, note the changes in different weather conditions, and input all this Infos into your book.

Okay!

Overall - You get an eight! Till I read the rest of your story.

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